The first drink is the gateway drink. It leads to more drinking. If people would just stay away from that first drink, then the rest of the drinks wouldn't be so bad.

Hint: the drinks aren't really drinks. If you know enough clues, it's easy to get through.

I picked up a bunch of old man stamps. They had dead old men on them. The old men represent the thoughts and values of egotistical dead men. We celebrate this backward thinking every time we send a letter through the mail. Luckily, no one sends personal letters through the mail anymore. So we just support the backward old men by putting their faces on the envelopes of bills. This way we insult the people we owe as well as the dead old men.

The nature of the fart is to expel the foul gases from inside the body. Outside the body, these farts will be free to entertain everyone for centuries to come. Will you not support the free and open farting of each and every full-blooded American? Can we not save these valuable farts for future generations in a lock box? What happens when those who are not farting anymore need the farts of the youth to survive?

I am supporting legislation that would exempt a person from paying taxes for one entire calendar year. Each hard working American would have the choice of not paying taxes for one year of their working life. The trick is to pick the right year.

If you lie about an incredible situation to get on the TV news, does this make you a liar or an actor in an unscripted play called "The Blue Van?" And if you're just acting, why would people be mad about it? Consider this: you aren't a good actor, and the audience doesn't think they got their money's worth.

There shall be no more answers. Only directions masquerading as answers to questions no one asked.

If one equals three then you will understand we will be insolvent, in the cases of the things we discussed at an earlier time, at a later, possibly soon, date. Why are we so blind to this looming catastrophe?

I really wish you'd stop this. All this questioning is getting in the way of the truth. I don't know what the truth is because it hasn't all come out. But if you keep asking questions, we'll never get to the real truth.

Never you mind.

What are you doing here? I thought we'd talked about this. I can't believe you didn't listen. We're gonna have to talk about this when it's all done.

Should I get the one with real spring arm action, or the one with realistic animal sounds?

The logical thing to do is accept your fate. If you want to tempt fate, you have to expect the unexpected. If you don't expect the unexpected, you might be caught off guard. If you're caught off guard, then you aren't being safe. If you're not safe, something bad might happen. So just let it all happen the way it's supposed to. And don't wave your arms so much.

I had this idea of having an intelligent conversation with you, but you keep being so stupid.

I went down into the basement to find some preserves. When I got down there, everything was rotten. We need to enact a preserve the preserve act to protect the preserves we are preserving for later generations.

If something is fabricated, is it real?

The problem with this whole thing is timing. It would be better if we could do this all at a different time. I'd rather do something else right now.

The horse's head represents all of the inequities of the system. The rest of the horse's body meat is used for jerky and entertainment purposes. The mane and tail is used for wigs to be bought by women who liked to ride horses when they were children. The bones and hooves and kneecaps are used for breath mints. The picture on the wall is everyone else looking in.

I can't believe you're bringing that up again.

Matt Worley is swimming in a sea of something representing something other than just a sea.