When I was a kid, we always wondered why there wasn't a "Kids Day." Why didn't we have a day when we got presents and the whole world revolved around us kids? Of course, everyone knows that every day is kid's day. Kids don't quite get it, because they live in a very little world. And that world revolves around their needs and wants and cries and shouts. I don't have a kid, so I don't have to wonder what a small, somewhat irrational person is thinking all the time. Or explain to them the intricacies of why they don't get another special day just because someone else gets one every now and then.

Just so you know, there's no "Uncle Day" either. That's the way us uncles like it, by the way.

There are a lot of "special" days when certain people are supposed to be recognized. There's even a "Boss" day, I think. Not a whole lot of gift giving on Boss Day. Everyone gets a birthday. Then there's Father and Mother's Day (these get the "when's the kid's day" question most). Grandparent's Day. President's Day--I know this is really about celebrating the dead Presidents, but doesn't it seem like every day is President's Day? Just me, I guess. Religions even give their icons a few days (Jesus gets both a birth and a death day--a little excessive, don't you think?).

And then there's Valentine's Day.

I'm not going to tell you the history of Valentine's Day. It doesn't matter.

Just like, for the most part, Christmas. It doesn't matter much what Christmas really stands for--it now means the time of the year when fools part with the money they've got left to try to make the fools they like the best happy.

Valentine's Day has been described as a plot by the greeting card companies--but it's just the tip of the iceberg. It's very cheap to buy someone a card and write "from your secret admirer" on it. You can, actually, buy a card for pretty much any reason, so we can't blame it all on them.

Like every other holiday (even President's Day--which, apparently, is the best time of the year to buy a new car), Valentine's Day has become perverted by the lusts of capitalism.

You should buy your lover anything from a box of chocolates and a long stemmed rose to, yep, a new car. Anything edible is good. Get 'em used to opening their mouth for something other than talking. Dinner out (it's the one day of the year when a $50 meal suddenly becomes a $125 meal), candy, underwear--anything to facilitate a little loving. Diamonds are a good way to spread those legs, I've heard.

Basically, you are supposed to spend whatever money you've been able to scrape together since Christmas to get what you would get on any reasonable day if you're in a relationship.

If you're in a relationship, try to skip tomorrow. Try not to buy something for your little lovie dovie. See what happens.

And why is that? Why would anyone succumb to such fascist romantic thinking? That, as a duty of your relationship, you have to celebrate a fake holiday? You have to spend money to show someone you love that you love them. But, if we're talking about love here, why do you have to buy something to show them this? Don't they love you already? Does this make them love you more? No--but it might keep them from loving you less (which, while baffling, is more true than you realize).

There will be flowers on the desks of many of the girls in the office tomorrow. There'll probably be a lot of red clothing. Probably a bit of excited whispering about what might come later in the evening--like they haven't ever seen that before.

I guess my real question is: why do you need a specific day to show the love? Can't you go out on another night? Don't you give flowers and candy on a lot of other days throughout the year? Don't you celebrate anniversaries and accomplishments of the relationship with rather similar festivities? Just wondering. Stop throwing those chalky candy hearts at my head.

So why did I write about this if I don't really care and think it's completely stupid? Well, honestly, I'd rather rail against blind consumerism this week than talk about Iraq or Iran or Syria or North Korea or whether or not Jessica and Nick are going to break up (anyone wanna bet they spend a lot of money for Valentine's Day?).

And just one more tip for the love birds everywhere: edible panties are really messy--especially when she's feeling the love, if you know what I mean.

Matt Worley doesn't like the Anti-Valentine's Day celebrations either. Why do people who don't like something feel like they have to party just as hard as those who do? You're even more idiotic--at least VD revelers have tradition on their side.