A couple years ago, I was hanging out at a friend's house, and he showed me this video game called Grand Theft Auto. The premise was that you go around town beating people with baseball bats, harassing hookers, stealing cars and killing cops. The popularity of the game went through the roof because, apparently, a lot of people have a secret criminal complex. I found the game mildly amusing for a little while, but I ultimately didn't care about stealing cars and just wanted to wander around town with the baseball bat whacking everyone who came near me. I guess that tells you about my secret criminal complex.

These days, the latest version of the game, Grand Theft Auto San Andreas, has gotten a lot of flack. You can still beat people, harass hookers, steal cars and kill cops, but there is a special feature in a certain place (now known as the Hot Coffee button) that allows the video gamer to simulate sex between their criminal persona and a pixel floozy. It shouldn't come as a surprise to know that most players of the game are puberty-riddled boys. Video games have always been masturbatory, so welcome to the next level.

The comical capper is that GTA helps the gamer out with instructions on how to perform the video porn. Push UP and DOWN in rhythm (good advice), JOY2 Change View (humans must use mirrors), JOY4 Change Position (try doing that at the touch of a button), and JOY1 Quit (shouldn't that be JOY0?).

I didn't actually play the video porn version of GTA San Andreas. Rolling Stone did the research for me. I don't really play home video games at all, but I do understand the geeky frustrated repressed jerkies who get off on such simple trash. Given the opportunity, I would play the Hot Coffee scenario once on a lark, but let's face it, video games don't do it for me anymore after about fifteen minutes. Hey, that's like sex!

Rockstar Games, the maker of GTA San Andreas, initially denied the inclusion of the sex scene, but later admitted that their geeky programmers had inserted the little sex cookie. Politicians jumped on the moral bandwagon, claiming that the game taught gamers how to copulate with a woman. Anyone who thinks pushing the UP and DOWN buttons is how to copulate with a woman needs a sex education class badly.

As a result, the game got stuck with an Adults Only rating instead of the less offensive Mature rating. Rockstar is now scrambling to remove the Hot Coffee option and return all versions to the desired Mature rating (most gaming stores won't carry Adults Only games). Don't worry, they'll still make millions and millions of dollars on both versions.

In this entire tale, a simple irony has been lost on the politicians, parents and society in general. It's the fact that beating people with baseball bats, harassing hookers, stealing cars and killing cops has been deemed acceptable (GTA has several versions), and crude rudimentary sexual simulations has been deemed appalling.

Being a video criminal thug is fine for the kids, but sleazy and stupid casual video sex is morally unacceptable. If it were up to me, it would be the other way around. I think I would have found equal pleasure with pushing the button for a power thrust as I would have been pushing the button to swipe a baseball bat at some passerby's head.

This little Grand Theft Auto lesson is just another example of how strange our society is about its entertainment. Guns and violence are acceptable, blood and gore are less acceptable. Harsh language is fairly acceptable, but the word 'fuck' is not. Lara Croft showing her panties to little kids is all right, propositioning hookers is less acceptable, Hot Coffee sex simulations are awful.

Think of the children! What about the children? Do you want your child to be exposed to crude pixilated sexual situations? Ummmmm, I don't have kids, but I think having them play a game called Grand Theft Auto for hours on end might have some adverse effect on their upbringing. Hot Coffee or not.

Chris Jungle used to have a thing for Ms. Pac-Man.