I love movies, probably more than I should. Being a community theatrical actor and director makes me appreciate the money, materials and talent that must be assembled to make a great movie. Even low budget and indie films run thousands to millions of dollars to make. This year, I keep hearing the sob story of how Hollywood isn't bringing in the profits like it wants. Along with the weekly grosses which find a way into my local Monday paper, we have been inundated with stories on how the totals aren't as much as they were last year. I would like to tell Hollywood, the industry machine and the media to SHUT THEIR PIE HOLES AND MAKE BETTER MOVIES!

I could end the column right there, but what kind of columnist would I be if I didn't elaborate a bit? Let's start with the prices. It's one of those "when I was a kid, the movies only cost..." deals, but it's actually quite pertinent. During my teenage days, a regular movie ticket cost five or six bucks, with the matinee priced between two and four dollars. Now, a regular ticket is pushing ten bucks, and matinees over six. This has skewed my theater viewing. I still attend the movies regularly, but I only go to matinees and dollar flicks unless I'm going with somebody who just can't make day features (a rarity). We endure six to ten previews, commercials, product placement, pre preview advertising, and prices on goodies that easily surpass the price of the feature (I never get food at the movies anymore). Strangely enough, the quality of movie is still about the same. Sometimes better, many times worse.

The movies have been making bigger profits every year because they keep upping the prices, not because more people are going. We have now reached critical mass, and Hollywood is out of ideas. How about another comic book movie? No wait, remember that cheesy TV show? How about a slasher flick, they're cheap to make, right? Let's remake foreign movies! Let's remake American movies! Let's play it safe! Let's take the money and run! Who cares if the movie is any good? It plays well to the major demographics.

One of the worst things to happen to the movies in recent years is the PG-13 rating, which most movies strive for these days. A little bolder than most PG Disney schlock, but not enough to have any quality nudity, language, violence or message. I like nudity, yes even gratuitous nudity, but tasteful and tactful nudity can really have an impact. Two out of the four plays I've directed had nudity (one with a woman's breasts, one with a man's behind), and I can tell you, people always remember such things. Language can be very effective as well. Tennessee Williams brought the word "fuck" back to the theatre, and in the proper circumstances, that word gets the message across better than any other in the English language (you can only say it once in PG-13 movies). Bloody violence is real. Gore is gratuitous, but fun to watch (see zombie flicks). Even Lord of the Rings (the best movie trilogy in modern times) had to take out most the blood. And since when were adult situations and issues a bad thing that must be censored? Is it so wrong to show teenagers what it's like to be an adult? PG-13 sucks the life out many potentially quality stories, but hey, at least fourteen-year olds can drop a ten on it without parental approval.

So don't cry for Hollywood. They brought this upon themselves. Their machine is more powerful than all the other artistic styles combined. The TV is filled with movie stars, celebrities, hype and press tours. The local papers in my town (both daily and weekly) dedicate at least four of their art pages to the movies. They print movie times, they have new and ongoing reviews for each feature. They have interviews with actors and directors. They write ongoing stories when J-Lo comes to town to film part of a feature. To compare it to a local endeavor, the last play I directed, subUrbia by Eric Bogosian, received no preview article, less than an inch of opening weekend info in only one of the weeklies at the bottom of a page, and one review that came out after half of the four-weekend run was done (and it was a very good review!). I'm not feeling like sore apples, just presenting a fact. Some phenomenal movies have changed my life, but there's a lot a lot a lot of cinematic crap out there not worthy of the hype it gets.

So Hollywood, stop telling us how much money you're not making. You still get plenty. I guarantee that when you start thinking more about telling us entertaining and original stories instead of the bottom line, we just might start coming back to the theaters. For now, choke on the fact that you have lost your way.

Chris Jungle watched Hitchhiker's Guide To the Galaxy yesterday for one dollar. It was worth exactly that much.