Let's get things nice and sparkling clear. Drugs are bad for you. We've been inundated with public service announcements, Just Say No & D.A.R.E., personal stories of heartache and addiction, and pictures of babies with fetal alcohol syndrome. Drugs are bad, so don't be bad, because if you use drugs, you'll be bad, and don't be bad, M'kay, 'cause drugs are bad...

Of course, we mean the bad drugs are bad, right? Those nasty illegal drugs kill over five thousand people a year, and every life is precious. Smoking kills hundreds of thousands a year. Alcohol kills hundreds of thousands a year. Tobacco and alcohol are legal and controlled, so they're not so bad.

Everyone wants their pain killed. Everything hurts. My back, my head, my soul. Oxycontin will kill your pain. It kills your pain so much that you don't want to live without it. So is it bad? Only if you use it because you want to use it. If you use it because you need it, then it's okay. Now we're getting somewhere! It's bad if you want to use drugs, but it's okay if you need drugs.

The government will take care of you. An advisory panel recently decided that the pain killers Celebrex, Bextra and Vioxx can cause worrisome heart problems, but they should not be taken off the market. Worrisome heart problems? Doctor, I'm a little worried about my heart. Well, that's one of the side effects of the drug you're taking. Are they bad drugs? No, no, no. They just need warnings. Serious warnings. Doctors should think seriously before prescribing these drugs. Think seriously? How seriously? Very seriously.

Roger Clemens won the Cy Young Award last year in the National League. He was the starting pitcher of the All-Star Game last year. He pitched in the playoffs. He is 42. He used Vioxx last year. Throwing a ball very fast and very often causes pain. Think very seriously, Roger Clemens, about your painkiller. Is it worth your multi-million contract to risk worrisome heart problems? Is that a serious question?

I have been self-medicating for years. Alcohol is ingested on an almost daily basis. Lately, I've prescribed moderate doses of bourbon & scotch, the occasional gin or vodka, Irish Cream in the coffee, a hearty helping of red wine, a splash of white wine, cheap beer, thick beer, microbrews, and (did I mention?) beer. After long and not-so-long days, booze has a way of killing the pain of mind and body. Nobody warns me of anything. No worrisome heart problems, no hangover predictions, no liver concerns. They make sure I'm at least 21 and warn me not to drive drunk. Oh, I get it. Killing the pain and yourself is all right. Once you hurt others while on your medication, the medication turns bad.

There is one drug I've prescribed myself since I was 19 years old. I have never found it available in any drug store. I have never been told its benefits or warnings from a doctor. According to the government, there is no reason to take this drug, and if I get caught, I will be arrested, fined, or reprimanded. This drug is called marijuana. It has calmed my racing mind, relaxed my tensed muscles, restored my appetite, and made me laugh at the absurdity of my ego-driven life. Illegal to have, illegal to grow, illegal to ingest, and yet I have had no illness due to my marijuana consumption over the years. Regardless, the government states that it has been a bad drug since before my parents were born and should never be used. Thanks, government.

I could tell you of the down side of my pain killer. Marijuana breeds laziness and lethargy, it clouds my thinking (the space out), and it feels like a crutch every now and again. Basically, it keeps me sedated. I remember some vicious mood swings occurring in my raw natural state, and let me tell you, there was a lot of pain involved. I can get bad without my medication, but by smoking pot, I'm considered bad as well. Think very seriously about what you're doing, bad boy.

I have no medical insurance. I have no doctor. I don't take any prescriptions or even aspirin. I am relatively healthy almost all of the time, and I don't want to enter the legal drug racket game. The lines at the local public hospital pharmacy are monstrous. People wait for days to get their pain killers. It hurts to wait. Life hurts. The drugs we take cause us to hurt in different ways. Kill one pain and create another. Pick your personal poison.

So there you have it. Drugs are good, and drugs are bad. We all have pain, and we can't kill it. It keeps coming back, and we keep taking drugs. There is no cure.

Chris Jungle can not feel your pain, only his own.