I read today that the median age in the United States is thirty-five years and four months. And since I am now thirty-five years, four months and two weeks, that means I am now older than most Americans. Pretty cool.

And while it's true that passing the median age doesn't mean I've hit halfway on my life expectancy (that'll come in two or three years), I figure being older than (barely) most means I've collected some widsom in my days. Here are a few of the more obvious things I've learned in my time.

It is better to drink no beer than drink bad beer. You never want to wake up in the morning, stagger to the sink and think, "I'm paying the price for drinking...Natural Light?" Much better to wake up in the morning, stagger to the sink and think, "I'm paying the price for drinking a six of McEwan's while reading Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas for the twenty-seventh time."

Older women are better than younger women. Ben Franklin knew all the right reasons, but it is becoming clearer and clearer to me that acting (or being) brain-dead and pretty just isn't good enough. And even smart women aren't very smart when they're eighteen.

Smart women are better than stupid women. I figured this one out a long time ago, but it bears repeating. You don't want to go into an obscenity-laden diatribe against the Prez only to have your date think you've just insulted her vagina. Not that such a thing ever happened to me back in the dark days of the late 80s, of course.

Birthplace is destiny when it comes to climate comportment. I was born in Rochester, N.Y. The greatest winter of my life was the one I spent in Battle Creek, Mich., when the temperature did not break freezing for four months. Battle Creek was also the greatest summer of my life...the temperature got into the 70s only twice. I loathe summers here in the New South, and I miss snow. A lot.

If you like your friends, be nice to them. You'd be surprised how many people don't know this.

If you don't like kids, don't have them. To put it another way, just because you share DNA with someone doesn't mean you want to wipe their ass for the first few years of their life.

When in doubt, get high. I'm using the general definition of the word, so feel free to drink, smoke, snort, whatever. I know, addiction is a bitch, but too many people are uptight and generally nasty. A little spot of pleasure is almost always a good thing. If a little spot doesn't bring pleasure, then maybe you've got a problem.

Mean people suck. Just thought I'd get all the bumper-sticker aphorisms in here.

If your better half wants to watch football and you want to have sex, then have sex while your better half watches football. Notice I didn't say with whom, though I will say that most football watchers are so cranked up that the slightest provocation is often reciprocated.

Don't stay mad. It takes too much energy to hold a grudge. Much better to drink to excess, black out and forget everything.

Religious dogma isn't nearly as important as religious contemplation. Knowing yourself (in the non-Biblical sense) is the first step to happiness.

You are the only person who can ensure your own happiness. This is only true for adults, of course. But if you're unhappy, all you need to do is figure out what's making yourself unhappy and changing that. I didn't say it was easy, of course. Just simple.

We're all gonna die someday. So try not to be such an asshole while you're alive, okay?

Jon Worley believes you can find wisdom at the bottom of a bottle. Especially if that bottle costs a hundred bucks or more.