Question 1:
What is your opinion of the president?
a) Not quite as cool as Jesus, but just as smart
b) Possibly the dumbest person ever born on the North American continent
c) A rich dork who never really learned how to live in the real world
d) The president of what?

Question 2:
Do you believe invading Iraq was a good idea?
a) No, but I'd change my mind if you'd send a check to my personal think tank
b) Yes, but not so much I'd send my kids there
c) It depends on who's asking the question. I'm as patriotic as the next person
d) Only if it could be proven that Saddam had something to do with the collapse of the Yankees

Question 3:
Do you approve of the job Congress is doing?
a) We'd be better off with those Shiite jokers who are trying to run Iraq
b) If it weren't for the guards at the Capitol, I'd mow down all those bastards with my M-16
c) Only the ones who believe in God--the real God, not the fake one all those liberals claim to worship
d) Not one of those boys would survive a night at a real bar

Question 4:
Do you believe the government should be able to check up on your library reading?
a) Absolutely not, though I'm clean because the two copies of The Anarchist Cookbook have been stolen
b) Sure. I buy all my books with cash
c) Does that mean they can find out what books I read in the library, even if I don't check them out?
d) Fine with me, as long as I can still surf porn sites on the computers

Question 5:
What television news do you watch most often?
a) ABC
b) NBC
c) CBS
d) CNN
e) MSNBC
f) Fox News
g) Entertainment Tonight

Question 6:
What was the last outdoor music concert you attended?
a) The Vans Warped Tour
b) Willie Nelson and Bob Dylan
c) Earth, Wind and Fire and Chicago
d) Styx and Yes (the Anderson, Bruford, Wakeman and Howe version of Yes, that is)
e) Toby Keith and the Angry Americans
f) Any show featuring ex-Grateful Dead members
g) The Iron Prostate Tour: Paul McCartney, Kiss and George Jones

The next four questions are for classification purposes only.

Question 7:
Who will win the American League Central?
a) Chicago
b) Minnesota
c) Cleveland
d) Detroit
e) Kansas City
note to poll taker: if respondent answered "d" or "e" to this question, there is no need to ask question 8

Question 8:
What is the extent of your education?
a) I went to school every once in a while
b) I attended high school, but only to get laid
c) I went to college, but quit after I heard that Bill Gates was a college dropout
d) I spent ten years in grad school before earning a masters of pop culture
e) My parents paid for a Ph.D., and all I got was this lousy hood and no job prospects

Question 9:
What is the income level of your household?
a) So damned poor I had to buy Halo 2 used
b) Pretty good until my spouse got called up to active duty
c) Not great, but I scored big when I refinanced my house
d) My trust fund is doing just fine, thank you

Question 10:
Where do you live?
a) In a filth-ridden city
b) In a stultifyingly dull suburb
c) Way out in the country where no one can hear me shoot my guns
d) In a one-room cabin by a small pond
e) In America

Jon Worley is kinda tired this week.