The way big corporations get bigger is by offering more and more services to their customers and sticking them all together on one tidy bill--they call this bundling.

For example, I subscribe to Time Warner cable, and I also subscribe to Roadrunner, Time Warner's high speed Internet service provider. They send me one bill for the Digipic 1000 Combo, and I write out a check for a lot of money. That's bundling.

Seems Republicans in Congress think you ought to bundle your political and religious services. Think of it: For one low, low monthly check, you can make your tithes and offerings to the Church of Christ, Republican.

I can see the sign in front now. Your pastor: Tom DeLay. This week's sermon: "Smiting the liberal judiciary."

On some levels (okay, most of them are corrupt), there is some sense to this notion. The church, after all, watches after your immortal soul. The Republicans watch after your decidedly mortal bank account. You get people to put those two things together, and there's no telling how many pockets can be fleeced.

I hear some naysayers in the back whining about the word "fleece." "Churches don't rip people off," they say. Maybe, I say. You see those signs for pastor appreciation days? At the churches that cater to folks who don't have a lot of money lying around the house? Pastor appreciation day is another word for "Give up the Benjamins so Pastor Fred can buy a new Lincoln." Don't believe me? Go to a pastor appreciation service. They'll pass the hat for Pastor Fred once, count it, and then pass the hat again, saying there wasn't enough in till. Then they'll pass the hat for "Pastor's wife" appreciation. Your stomach will turn, though maybe not before your wallet is empty.

I see the Church of Christ, Republican, holding a pastor appreciation day for Tom DeLay. In fact, that's exactly what it has been doing for quite a while, racking up millions of dollars for his "defense fund." DeLay can whine about partisan politics in district attorneys offices (I'm shocked! Shocked!), but he's the power player here. He's the money machine of the party. He's raised money in so many shady ways he can't even remember where most of it came from in the first place. Which is why he's in so much trouble.

But, see, if you gave your weekly tithe to the Church of Christ, Republican, you not only would have given generously to Tom DeLay and his holy lawyers, you would have provided money to ensure that children never have to learn about lies such as orgasms and evolution. If we don't tell the kids how much fun sex is, they'll never figure it out for themselves. And if our kids never learn about evolution, they'll be just as knowledgable in scientific matters as the children of the Founding Fathers.

The really cool thing about this bundle is that you will be certain your Sunday sermon is tied neatly to your political wiring. No more wrath from the pulpit when one of your heroes is caught diddling where he oughtn't. No more concerns about the plight of the poor when all you really want to know is how much money you're going to have next week. Not a single thought about anyone other than people just like you. Because if they don't think like you, they're not worth thinking about, right?

I dunno. I get the Digipic 1000 Combo because I want digital cable (lots of soccer on the fringes, baby) and need high-speed online access for my job maintaining the site of the local alternative weekly. Would boatloads of people really be willing to tie their faith in God to their faith in government?

I guess the better question is: Have they already?

If so, do you think they're having second thoughts right about now?

Jon Worley belongs to the Church of the Universe.