We have found the enemy, and it is us. No--wait--it's just the CIA. That's who it is. And those couple of soldiers who made Iraqi prisoners feel uncomfortable (it wasn't really "torture," was it?--the intent wasn't to do harm, it was to get information--so it's not actually torture, even though most, if not all, of the tortured knew nothing worth torturing over), there were only a couple of them and they acted on their own (even though they were under direct command of people who knew better). It's all their fault, too.

So the CIA has officially been blamed for everything good, bad and ugly in the world (from the assertions of Iraq's WMD program to terrorist ties to the Atkins diet), but maybe we should try to spread this blame around. Surely it's not just the people "collecting" evidence for the CIA. And surely it wasn't just the analysts or even the director (who realized he could be the fall guy before the administration realized it needed one) of the CIA who did all of this. There is actual accountability somewhere, isn't there? The buck stops at some desk, right? Did they take that little sign down from the desk in the Oval Office? Harry Truman, where are you now? Oh yeah, he's dead.

I'd hate to put forth the view that the current administration is stupid--but they believed the CIA's bullshit reports. I didn't believe them--hell, I didn't even read them--and I was more right than the administration. That's something, isn't it? That intelligence reports read without intelligence is very unintelligent--especially if it's done by people in charge of so many Weapons of Mass Destruction.

The administration keeps saying there were terrorist ties to Iraq. And there were meetings. I'm sure there was a bit of U.S. bashing going on at the coffee bar or wherever the parties met, but they couldn't come to terms on how to cooperate with each other. In other words, there was a lightweight conversation between a couple middleweights, and both went their separate ways with heads full of caffeine and crumpets.

So, to get this all down to Catholic guilt, the terrorist ties are kind of like having unclean thoughts, aren't they? There was a potential for some kind of action, but the action never occurred. The appropriate punishment for this would be, uh, having to sit through the Prez giving an unscripted speech (that would be pretty good punishment). But our government thought it better to punish these unclean thoughts about the U.S. by bombing the living shit out of a country. Does that sound reasonable?

I sometimes have unclean thoughts about the administration. I sometimes think they are either idiots or crazy or both, and I'm pretty sure I'm voting against them in November. So there's unclean thoughts with action attached. I guess they better bomb me.

Further, I have some fireworks left over from last year's Fourth of July bash. And I think a few of them are illegal to fire in the city of Albuquerque. I am possessing illegal Weapons of Some Type of Destruction (WSTDs--that actually sounds scarier than WMDs). Guess they better bomb me.

And, I hate to admit it, but I've killed innocent bugs, spiders, ants and other critters over the last few weeks. Indiscriminately, without mercy, I have killed inhabitants of my own home. And I will do it again! They better get their plans together to bomb me, because I'm getting out of control.

I occasionally terrorize patrons of local bars and taverns with my band Old Beans. We yell, play loud music and jump around with such reckless abandon it would be incredibly irresponsible for the administration to allow this type of demonstration to go on. Just because the patrons stick around and listen doesn't make it right, does it? They are being brainwashed by our rock and roll way of life--which is in direct contradiction to the administration's twelve step program to living the good life in America. I'm just asking to get bombed, aren't I?

Lucky for me, I don't live on top of an oil reserve. Hell, I don't even own the land I live on--I rent. I'm sure the intelligence agencies have taken the tactical view that, even though I am a danger to American society, I have nothing of value to take over. So I'm probably not going to get bombed.

I guess that's why the thousands of Iraqi citizens who were tortured or died in our takeover and occupation are unlucky. They are sitting on top of something the U.S. administration wants. And that makes all the difference in the world.

Matt Worley isn't so bad, he's just a cold-hearted son of a bitch sometimes.