"Matt Worley is soft on health care! He doesn't think you're really sick! He thinks it's all in your head"

"Matt Worley is wrong on defense! His Every Child Gets A Gun legislation shoots in the gut of good Americans everywhere! Do you really want to see our streets patrolled by our children?"

"Matt Worley is soft on abstinence! He claims you can't be abstinent and still have sex! He doesn't care about all of you who might be abstinent, but also come in contact with STDs because you won't buy condoms because you say you're not gonna have sex, even though you are--really you are!"

"Matt Worley doesn't support our troops! He says if they are really good soldiers, they'd be able to dodge bullets like that Matrix guy!"

"Matt Worley thinks all kids are going to hell! Matt Worley doesn't pay property taxes, so he doesn't support public education at all!"

"Matt Worley is wrong on everything--a bad person overall!"

Last week a new barrage of campaign commercials were launched in an attempt to discredit my life. I'm not sure where my opponent gets all his money or information, but he's certainly got resources.

And just when all of this crap hit the airwaves, I get hit from the other side by Juniper pollen!

That's right, I've been rather snotty this week--and reeling from accusations that my life isn't a model one. Apparently, following my example of how to live might make you different from other people. And different is bad. Different might mean everyone else doesn't think or do the same things you like to think or do.

Okay, I'll admit it, different is bad--I guess. When you take into account that whole mob mentality, beat up the hippies thing. Luckily I hang out with people who don't really care if I'm different--but these campaign commercials are really starting to get to me. Am I really a bad person? And, hell, most of this isn't even true. I support education--I buy lottery tickets!

And I never said it's more educational for a kid to get a gun than go to school. I just said it was cheaper!

And you should wear condoms--just not those ones with the desensitizing crap in them. Those are really horrible. One of the girls couldn't even talk afterward cause her tongue was numb. Not that I minded the silence.

But I'm not going to spend all my time defending myself. I mean, aren't there better things we could be doing with this country? Aren't there any good movies to see? Isn't there a basketball tournament going on?

"Matt Worley won't give us the information we requested! Matt Worley is a stubborn, lying, secretive bastard!"

Jesus, I was just saying it would be impossible for me to adequately defend against all of these wild accusations...

"Matt Worley hasn't seen The Passion--he doesn't love Jesus enough to govern effectively!"

Well, I mean, what can I say to that? Would it help if I said I was an atheist? I don't think so. Atheists killed Jesus, after all.

"Matt Worley killed Jesus!"

See, now this is all getting out of hand. I'm not even running for anything, and the opposition has somehow loaded up on anti-Matt funding. And I've been on antihistamines all week. All this anti stuff does not make for a clear mind.

"Matt Worley is a drugged out, freak boy!"

Hey, just because I over and under and around the counter drugs doesn't mean I'm...wait, what the hell am I talking about...

"See! See! He's a freak boy! Freak boy! Freak boy! I bet he's got--"

Ahh, there it is. I found the off button. Finally, peace.

Matt Worley is a terrible representation of a human being, but only if he's going to run for office. Other than that, he's fine. But he has been snotty this week. A vote for him is a vote for the devil. Or Osama bin Laden. Or one of those snipers. Evil people, that's who he represents...