Fuck You
Like I gotta be nice to you. I mean, I've been waiting so long for you to come around to my point of view. And now you look at me like I just pulled a gun. Like I don't have my U.S. Citizen Card on my at all times. Like I tried to sneak fingernail clippers through the security detail. Like I even wanted any of this to happen. Like it's even close to being my fault this time. Or the horse I rode in on.

Fuck Pete Rose
For years we've heard this blowhard self-righteously talk about how he's being persecuted by the all-powerful leaders of Major League Baseball. And he comes out and admits to something we all knew to be true fifteen years ago. We're supposed to feel sorry for you? We're supposed to take this long overdue and incomplete admission as a sign of contrition? You don't think you're wrong, you're just worried--maybe for the first time--that you might not get into the Hall of Fame. Maybe you should have been worried when you put a grand down on the baseball team the Reds were gonna play a week later. Maybe you should have thought about the Hall of Fame then. Remember Shoeless Joe Jackson? He's dead and not any closer to getting in the Hall. You're not even dead, just pointing to imagined bullet holes from a fake war.

Fuck Paris Hilton
And maybe I'm being redundant. But I still haven't figured out why a non-talented sometime model, rail-thin from too much coke and X, is the talk of the town. Okay, she's got millions of trust fund dollars, but she's not the only one. If being rich through no actions of your own is all you have to do to be important, then maybe our country really does need to think about what is actually important in life. This is class warfare at its shallowest. This is a lot like giving all the Iraq reconstruction contracts to the company your VP still has stock in, and then defending your actions with a wave of your hand. Oh yeah, and remember to videotape your teenage sexcapades--because if you can't be anything important, at least you can be an Internet porn star. Did I call Paris a high-priced whore? Oh good, I meant to.

Fuck the 80s
I know, there's a full-swing revival of most things 80s, including massive military spending and out of control deficits. Remember when we outspent imaginary money to put the USSR out of business? Yeah, well, this time we're the only country in the arms race. Who are we trying to outspend now? It's kind of like making a competition between your left and right hand for masturbation supremacy. And, sure, Duran Duran was a good band, but the Flock of Seagulls should stay a joke, and not a revered part of music history. Don't be surprised if you see me rocking the purple Ratt concert T sometime soon. I would say don't fall for the parachute pants again, but, oops, you already did.

Fuck Bush
And yes, I am talking about the President. I remember Reagan. I remember Iran-Contra. And I'm gonna remember this. You talk about compassionate conservatism, but you seem unable to realize you're the bully. You're the bully to rest of the world and can't seem to understand why people don't like you. I'm a band geek; I have no truck with bullies. If Bush gets re-elected, then our country is saying we like being the assholes of the world. And we get what we deserve.

Fuck the Atkins Diet
If a hamburger was meant to be served without bread, they'd just call it a steak and be done with it. If a sandwich was meant to be wrapped in a tortilla, they'd call it a burrito. If fried chicken was really diet food, we'd all be runway models. Yes, I understand, white food (bread, rice, potatoes, etc.) has lots of sugar in it. It's supposed to give you energy for your body to work off. How about you eat a balanced meal and exercise you fat ass. It really is better for you than letting your body eat itself. Of course, exercise actually takes work. Does everything have to be easy? Am I being redundant again?

Fuck Me
No really--I mean it. I think I'm a little frustrated. Maybe a little pent up about something. And, if we do it right, it's like being on the stairmaster for, like, fifteen minutes. I've got the rubbers if you've got the time.

Matt Worley doesn't give a fuck about anyone this week.