It's a week before Christmas, but I already didn't get what I wanted. All I wanted for Christmas in America was a regime change, but no no no and ho ho ho. It's the big holiday time again, and Americans are still fighting, killing and dying in a strange land on the other side of the globe.

I believe it was Jesus who said "It's going to get worse before it gets better." No wait, that was my President.

I believe it was the devout Christians who protested the war in droves with the rallying cry "Thou shalt not kill." No wait, that was God--via Moses.

I believe it was my moral President who said "Treat others as you would like to be treated." No wait, that was Jesus.

I believe it was Santa Claus who said "You go to war with the army you have." No wait, that was the Donald Rumsfeld.

I spent much of my youth learning about Christianity. I went to church services, Sunday School, and youth group. I was baptized, accepted into the Methodist Church, and even slipped a five spot in the collection plate every now and again. You know, for Crucified Baby Jesus.

Many lessons were learned during my Protestant upbringing in a Bible Belt town, but most of all, I learned about the hypocrisies. Now, the ugly side of Christianity is in full effect. We are at war to keep the peace.

My President prayed to God before invading Iraq, and apparently God said it was okay. "Thou shalt kill," God said to him. "Kill your own citizens, kill those on the other side of the world, you don't need a valid reason. So sayeth me for I am The Lord." God has changed his tune a lot since talking to Moses.

In the spirit of modern Christmas, we are spending billions more than we should to make this The Best War Ever, and yet no one gets what they want. A soldier asked "Why don't we have the adequate armor to protect ourselves?" and The Secretary of Defense responded "Shut up before you ruin another Christmas!"

Support Our Troops is our classic rallying cry, but maybe we should change it to "Support the army we have."

After all, we had a very good reason to go to war when we did. Remember, we are fighting in Iraq because of 9-11. I mean, because of weapons of mass destruction. I mean, because we must defeat the evil tyrant Saddam Hussein. I mean, for freedom. Um, oil? Maybe, it was just time to have another war. The truth is we're fighting because we've been fighting for a while, and if we back down now, then the insurgents win. That's it! We went to war so we could find out who is really against us, and then we could shoot them. Simply having a wonderful Christmas War!

So what do you think about it, Christians? It's your big holiday. It's your big war. Baby Jesus is getting born again, and he will die for our sinful war in about four months. Mel Gibson beat the shit out of your savior, and you loved it. My President, which you backed in droves, sent simple soldiers to Iraq to kill and be killed, and you cried "Amen!" Pray to God, Christians. Pray for the soldiers who are breaking commandments right and left. Pray for the Muslims who respond in kind. Pretend it isn't our fault that we started this bloody mess. Sing your hymns and carols. Stuff the collection plate. Put on your best duds. String up the Christmas lights, light the advent candles, pass those gifts around. Pretend grown men don't kiss each other, and all impregnated women go to full term. Life is beautiful inside the Christian bubble. Don't you dare pop it, or they may go crusading on your ass.

I believe it was Chris Jungle who said "Oh, good grief." No wait, that was Charlie Brown.

Chris Jungle will sleep in on Christmas Day, on Christmas Day, on Christmas Day in the morning.