No matter how many times I've fought the insurgents over the years, they keep coming back. They infiltrate in early fall, and it takes all of my cunning and weapons stockpile to push back their offensive. Some years, it's only one operative. This year, with The War on Terror at an all time high, their strategy is to come in waves, wreak havoc on civilians, and force me to evacuate. I can say with strong conviction that I will stay and fight these menacing rodents until freedom rings strong and true.

I will admit: mistakes were made. After witnessing a fuzz ball fly across the edge of the kitchen, the standard military action was enforced. A wedge of mouse poison and two mouse traps were placed in the time tested areas. Slap a little peanut butter on those traps and wait for results. Some of the poison was eaten, and the peanut butter disappeared from the traps without triggering the snap. Still, I remained confident in the military plan that had not steered me wrong in years. No adjustments were made. The traps were not rebaited. Overconfidence was my weakness.

A stockpile was found. Not of weapons of mass destruction but of popcorn kernels. Two bags had been infiltrated and spilled behind a corner storage area, and the terrorists had secured themselves a heavy cache of food stuffs. Like any arrogant regime, I simply called for the clean up crew to sweep the whole incident under the rug. The media asked how the war was progressing, and I maintained that it might get worse before it gets better. I said it was hard work. Really tough, but we can't cut and run from the insurgents. That's what the media wanted to hear, and they backed off. I now admit I was a bit too cocky for my own good.

The very night after sweeping up the popcorn, the insurgents took on a different strategy. It is now known as The Scratchy Offensive. From the safety of a crawl space near my bedroom, they gnawed and scratched loud enough to keep your fearless leader from sleeping at 1 a.m. Since our leader had to be up by 4:20 a.m. for work, these precious hours of sleep were lost to the insurgents. I spent the next 12 hours in the cab plotting a new military strategy.

Unlike the president of our nation, I recognized that the way I was going about this war was all wrong. It lacked results, and the insurgents were starting to turn the tide. I personally reloaded the snap traps with peanut butter, only to discover a couple hours that the mice had again eaten the goods and not set off the trap. I would not be outdone again.

I added toffee bits to the peanut butter, mashing them well into the trap. I assumed that the terrorists would have to set the trap off to devour the sweetness. I was wrong...and right. The mice again devoured the peanut butter and toffee bits without setting them off, and I went frantically off with advisors to discuss new military possibilities. As I went to bed trying to regain some sleep lost from the night before, SNAP! A mouse had gone back to the empty trap, looking for more toffee bits that weren't there. I equate it with a kid who comes back to lick the bowl of cake batter. Can't get enough of that sweet sweet candy.

The next day, SNAP! The other empty trap went off for the same reason. More candy please. Two insurgents! Mission Accomplished! Send home the troops! Victory is ours! We celebrated by baking cookies with the rest of the toffee bits.

Two days later, my room stank something awful. Very much like a mouse that died from poison and was in the crawl space. How many terrorists are there? I was out of toffee bits, and my room smelled bad (like worse than normal). I lay new traps with peanut butter and honey. Sweet goo for the insurgents.

A day went by. Then another. Then another. The traps lay dormant and untouched. The terrorists were not sighted, but there were still odd noises in the dark. Was it in my mind? Did we get them? Where is Osama bin Rodent? Please don't feed the paranoia.

At 6:45 a.m. this very morning, SNAP! Yet another terrorist falls to the hand of Jungle. Sugar, sugar. Oh, honey, honey. That's four insurgents KIA by snap traps and at least one by poison. I'm in it until the end now. I will continue to fight terror where it starts. I will not stop until every rodent in my house is dead, dead, dead. We don't know their numbers, but we know their weakness. So bring it on, terrorists, I've got a piece of candy waiting just for you. SNAP!

Chris Jungle received no medals of honor for his military contributions.