Dear Mr. Worley,

It has come to our attention that during the Old North Durham Rainbows match with the Duke Park Brickmeisters on November 19, 2004, you failed to register your displeasure with the poor officiating. In fact, our video cameras show you leaning back in your chair, taking a few healthy droughts of Diet Coke and laughing with a young friend (whom we have not identified as yet) as the players on the court took it upon themselves to set the matter straight.

This casual approach to the viewing of Rainbows games will simply not be tolerated.

We are a top-notch professional bocce team, and we demand the sort of attention and respect that professionals in other sports receive. As such, we are revoking your season tickets. You will not be allowed back on the grounds of Stonewall Court until you agree to the following conditions:

1. You must drink at least five beers (Milwaukee's Best, sole vendor for the Rainbows) during every match.

2. When the pallino is thrown by an opponent, you must jeer for at least one minute or until asked to quiet down by a Rainbows player.

3. After every Rainbows throw, you must cheer heartily.

4. Prior to every opponent's throw, you must hurl insults questioning the manhood (or womanhood or hermaphroditehood) of the thrower. If the throw is closer to the pallino than any Rainbows ball, you must scream "foul" and hurl whatever invective you feel appropriate at the officials.

5. If the Rainbows win the point, you must leap from your seat and cheer (or insult the opponents) until the pallino is thrown once again.

6. If the opponents win the point, you must shower the officials and opponents with invective and beer. If you throw or otherwise empty your beer, you must immediate purchase a replacement--beer that ends up on the court does not count toward the five-beer minimum.

7. If a fellow fan becomes verbally or physically abusive, you should do everything in your power to encourage this behavior, even if you must buy more beer to fuel his or her (or its) rage. Again, beer purchased for another fan does not count toward your five-beer minimum.

8. If players get into any sort of physical confrontation, you must take matters into your own hands and help the Rainbows settle the score.

9. If the opponents win (or are in danger of winning) the match, you must do whatever is necessary to stop them, even if it comes to rushing the court to confront the players yourself.

Once you agree to these terms in writing, we will be happy to sell you tickets for the seven games left on our schedule--including our rivalry/grudge match with the Trinity Park Gents. If no further untoward incidents are recorded, then we will be happy to sell you season tickets for the 2005-2006 season.

Thank you for your attention to this matter. We thank you for your previous support and hope that you can find it within yourself to reform your ways and become a true fan of the Rainbows.

Sincerely,
Joe Dumars
new VP of fan affairs
Old North Durham Rainbows

Jon Worley believes that all fans should be banned from at least five Detroit Pistons home games (with a TV and radio ban as well) as punishment for the events of their last game with the Indiana Pacers.