"Rover, I thought you told me that if I stayed strong and resolute people would rally to me."

"They will."

"But I was strong and resolute at the debate, and now I'm behind Kerry in the polls again."

"What did I tell you about polls?"

"Polls are for the weak."

"That's right."

"So why is my campaign paying millions of dollars to pollsters?"

"Do you know the difference between a regular poll and a push poll?"

"Should I?"

"No."

"Okay."

"Mr. President, don't worry about the polls. We're taking care of things."

"But what about the debate? Even our friends said I lost."

"A lot of it had to do with the way you looked when Kerry was speaking."

"What about that? We agreed that there wouldn't be any of that split-screen stuff. The liberal media got us again!"

"Well, not exactly. Fox News was the pool camera for the debate. Their producers decided to use the split screen."

"Fox News did this to me? I thought they were our friends."

"Well, their president is, their pundits are and most of their reporters are. But those geeks in the production room, well, let's just say I talked to Roger about it, and they're history."

"Whew! So no split screens for the next two debates?"

"Um, no. Fox News isn't the pool camera again. So there will be split screens. Which means we have to work on your posture."

"What's wrong with my posture? I'm a folksy, loose guy. I'm not Mr. Erector Set like that freak Kerry."

"I'm not sure how to put this, Mr. President, but have you looked at the tapes of the debate?"

"Why would I do that?"

"Well, from time to time you hunched over the lectern. And you tended to frown or scowl when Kerry was talking."

"Hey, I said something nice about that Frenchy wife of his, didn't I?"

"Yes, and that was very nice. But you spent too much time frowning. We've got to work on that."

"What do you mean? I was good enough to get elected. I'm good enough to get re-elected. I don't want to hear any of this defeatist talk from you."

"Mr. President, appearances are important--"

"I'm much better looking than Kerry. Even his wife thinks so."

"That may be, but when you start hunching over and scowling on camera, you start to look like--"

"Don't say it!"

"Richard Nixon."

"Oh. Well. That's okay. I thought you were going to say I looked like my dad. I'd have fired you for that."

"Mr. President, we've got to lighten your image for the next two debates. No more frowning, no more scowling."

"But if he starts lying about everything we're accomplishing..."

"You have to take it with a smile. Repeat after me: 'All my opponent can do is criticize, because he knows what we're doing is the right thing for America.' "

"All my opponent can do is criticize, because he knows what we're doing is the right thing for America."

"We'll need to work on that a little, but in the next debate, just keep smiling while he's talking, and if he makes you mad, just say that."

"How about 'There he goes again.' I really like that."

"No, no, we really can't use that."

"Why not?"

"We just...can't. Kerry isn't exactly known for repeating himself. He tends to use a thousand ways to say the same thing."

"But 'There he goes again' sounds so cool."

"Listen, I've reworked the snapper a bit. Try this one out: 'We need to build up America, not bad-mouth America.' "

"We need to build up America, not bad-mouth America."

"I think we've got a winner."

"You mean me, or the slogan?"

"Well, Mr. President, you can't have one without the other."

"One what?"

"Don't worry about it, Mr. President. Want some pretzels?"

"Ooh, yeah."

Jon Worley watched enough of the debate to realize that Alfred E. Neuman is, in fact, more mature than the Prez.