"Hey, did you hear that the Prez used to get hammered and do lines at the White House when his dad was Prez?"

"Dude, I heard that he and his dad used to do lines in the Oval Office."

"His dad? He wouldn't do coke with his dad. His mom, maybe. Neil, for sure. But his dad? I seriously doubt it."

"I heard that he and Rush Limbaugh used to go hoggin' together."

"Hoggin' in Midland?"

"Hoggin' in Dallas."

"Better selection, anyways."

"Can you believe the Prez's wife used to smoke a joint now and again?"

"If I had a husband who drank and whored as often as the Prez, I'd light a spliff as often as I could."

"But the hypocrisy. Doesn't it appall you at all?"

"When you've heard that she and Kay Bailey Hutchison like to wander over to Lafayette Park, score a few dozen rocks and then open up the Lincoln Bedroom to all comers, hypocrisy doesn't enter into it."

"Jesus. The Lincoln Bedroom?"

"You know it."

"And what about Kerry's wife? I've heard she went down on half of Congress before she and he got married."

"She was married to some other senator way back when...so at least she'd know the guys. Not like she was blowin' strangers or anything."

"But why would you marry a woman like that? Doesn't that point out a serious character flaw?"

"Listen, the man is a ball of character flaws. Forget his inability to use GPS properly while he was in Vietnam or the way he beat up some vet so that he could toss some fake medals in a fire for the cameras. The guy doesn't run, he bicycles. You know what all that bicycling does to your balls? You want a president with cajonitos?"

"As long as they aren't called Adirondack Oysters and served with a side of hollandaise, I really don't care what his nads look like. Still, he bicycles. And everyone knows that the French are crazy about bicycling. Next time we have to off some third-rate despot, he might want do something stupid like use diplomacy."

"Diplomacy sucks. Kick some ass. Bag some raghead."

"You said it."

"Hey, what about those pictures of Kerry's daughter walking topless on some beach in Europe."

"Dude, we have got to go to Europe."

"Oh, man, yeah. Go where everything is on display. But not with one of them Kerry chicks. Get one of them Bush girls."

"From what I hear, you don't need to go to Europe to get a little something from them. You scored those shots of Jenna falling out, didn't ya?

"Oh, so righteous, man! I've got to find out where she parties, buy her a few shots of Knob Creek and then see where the evening takes us."

"From what I hear, she's just like her dad. You get some bourbon in her and away she goes."

"Do you think her sister would come along?"

"I dunno. She went to Yale, right? Can't trust those Ivy League types. But still... if her mom has the Lincoln Bedroom working that night... talk about a freak show!"

Jon Worley has never seen the Lincoln Bedroom, so for all he knows the place has been littered with crack pipes since the Reagan Administration.