So the Prez was in the Oval Office, watching a little football--he's a real good football watcher--and he was watching Chris Simms throw an interception when suddenly the sound turned off and the TV screen turned white.

"George."

"Laura? Is that you?"

"George."

"Who is that?"

"It's the Lord, George."

"Right! What is this, another flashback?"

"I want you to invade Iraq."

"Right! Where's Iraq?"

"Get an army. Send it over to Turkey and Kuwait. Get some cruise missiles and cluster bombs and drop as many as you can. Then drive straight on into Baghdad and declare victory."

"Right! Where's Turkey?"

"Let's see, Turkey, I used to know where Turkey was...well, don't worry about that. When you get all that done, then you go out into the world and declare that the United States will bring democracy to the entire world even if it has to destroy every other country to do so."

"Right! Who is this, really? What's going on? How come you want me to do all these weird things?"

"The second coming is imminent. Now is the time to separate the believers from the infidels. The time of choosing is at hand."

"Right! Did someone slip some Jack into my Coke? I've got to stop reading those Left Behind books...So how're you gonna do it?"

"My angels will teach a song to those whose names are written in the Book of Life, and at the appointed time all those who sing that song will be lifted up into heaven. The rest will be condemned to endure centuries of plagues and torment."

"Listen, why don't you skip the singing and do it this way? Make me look like a complete jackass--have the war in Iraq turn sour, allow Al Qaeda to continue attack after attack, make the economy soften, let the Rangers actually win the pennant--and then make me run for re-election against a thoughtful person who actually has the common sense to make presidential decisions. All those who vote for me are saved, and all those who vote for the other guy are damned."

"Right!"

The Prez returns to his game, where Chris Simms has just thrown yet another interception. He tries to eat a pretzel and fails.

In an undisclosed location in the basement, a certain bald man leaned back in his chair. "That oughta just about do it."

Jon Worley offers his sincerest apologies to Bill Cosby.