Rep. James Sensenbrenner (R-Calif.): Uh, hello. Mr. and Mrs. Simon, now that you've been sworn in, do you have a statement to make?

Mary Peter: Mr. Chairman, now that we've divorced, I've retaken my maiden name, Peter.

Sensenbrenner: I stand corrected, Ms. Peter.

John Simon: I do have a statement for the both of us that I'd like to read. Mary and I met at Liberty University. Mary got her education degree, and I earned a degree in business administration. We married after college and moved to Charlotte, where I took a job with First Union, which is now Bank of America. We had three kids, Jacob, Joseph and Paul. Everything was wonderful. At least, it was until our son Paul saw a story on the television.

At dinner one night, he asked Mary and I why we got married. And we told him we got married because we loved one another and wanted to have children. He then asked why I didn't marry another man, like those guys in California. I told him I didn't marry another man because it was illegal to for men to marry men, or women to marry women, and that we always followed the law.

Well, his question got me thinking. What if I married another man? My faith is dead set against that sort of thing, of course, but still. The idea intrigued me. About a month later, I answered a personal ad in the local weekly paper and met Steve. One thing led to another, and, well, Steve convinced me that since I already had kids, I didn't really need a wife. He and I could get married and have the same life that Mary and I had.

Meanwhile, Mary had been talking with some of her friends, and it turns out that most of them were tired of dealing with their husbands. She and a friend--I'll call her Sue--found themselves in a relationship much like the one Steve and I had. Mind you, we both believe that God has declared homosexuality an abomination and all, but all this confusion in the law led us astray. If the law wasn't about right and wrong any more, then how could we know what was right and what was wrong?

To make a long story short, I came home early one day and found Sue and Mary in...well, let's just say we had a long talk and decided the best thing was to split up. Mary and Sue took the kids, and Steve and I see them on weekends.

All this marriage confusion has ruined our lives. You must pass this amendment and force us to get back together. Thank you.

Rep. Tom Feeney (R-Fla.): Mr. Chairman, if I may...

Rep. Sensenbrenner: By all means.

Rep. Feeney: Mr. Simon, is it your testimony today that the confusion over who is allowed to marry caused you and your wife to enter homosexual relationships?

John: I'm sad to say that it is.

Mary: If I knew I couldn't marry I woman, I'd never have left John.

Rep. Feeney:It's precisely this sort of thing that makes passage of the amendment of paramount importance. How many more marriages will we allow to be ruined before we take action?

Rep. John Conyers (D-Mich.): Ms. Peter, are you telling the committee that you are not happy in your relationship with Sue?

Mary: Oh, goodness no! Sue is an absolute dear! She's great with the kids, and I've been able to go back to work as a school principal. She's much easier to get along with than John.

Rep. Conyers: And yet, you're testifying today that we need a Constitutional amendment to define marriage.

Mary: Yes.

Rep. Conyers: And that will force you to go back to your husband.

Mary: Yes.

Rep. Conyers: But why don't you just do that now? There's nothing stopping you from getting back with your husband.

Mary: Well, you see...this is a little embarrassing, sitting next to him right here and all. But the truth is I'm much happier with Sue.

Rep. Conyers: But you want to be forced to go back to your husband? I don't understand.

Mary: Well, you know, it's not right for me to be with Sue. I know that. The Lord knows that. I'm a sinner. I sin every day. And I'll pay for it in heaven. But until there's a law that punishes me for my behavior, I'm going to do what makes me happy.

Rep. Conyers: You understand that this amendment won't outlaw homosexuality. It just won't allow gays or lesbians to marry. You'd be free to cohabitate and do whatever else it is you do with Sue. You just wouldn't be allowed to get married.

Mary: Really?

Rep. Conyers: Yes.

Mary: (Turning to her ex-husband) You're a real jerk, you know that? You told me this thing would put me in jail if I stayed with Sue.

John: Well...um...

Mary:You pig! I can't believe I let you lie to me all over again! (she leaves the table and stalks out the door)

Rep. Henry Hyde (R-Ill.): Mr. Simon, let's turn to you. Would you like to get back with your wife?

John: The biggest mistake of my life was leaving our house to go meet Steve for the first time.

Rep. Hyde: Without going into too many details, why did you go out to meet Steve?

John: It was all about sex. At Liberty, they preached against homosexuality every single day. Abomination, Sodom and Gomorrah, all that. Made it sound real exciting, you know? Then Mary and I got married, and that was pretty good. At least until the kids came. Then Mary got too tired to have sex any more. That's what she said. Too tired.

Rep. Hyde: I think we've all been there. (general laughter)

John: So I started to get these feelings. Feelings like I had to do something, you know?

Rep. Hyde: Boy, do I.

John: And I met Steve. And it was great. I mean, guys really know how to show guys a good time, you know what I mean?

Rep. Hyde: Hoo, boy...I mean, not really.

John: So we hit it. And kept hitting it. I mean, I never knew it could be so good. And then Steve started talking about getting married. I'd been feeling guilty, you know, with everything they were saying in church, but I had to go back to him, again and again. It was too good.

Rep. Hyde: But you want to get back with your wife now?

John: I do. Steve can't cook, and neither can I. I don't know if you've been to Charlotte, but it's not exactly a cuisine mecca. And if you keep showing up at the Damon's with the same guy, the waitresses start talking among themselves. Charlotte isn't exactly the most welcoming city for people living a homosexual lifestyle.

Rep. Hyde: You want to get back with your wife so that someone will cook for you?

John: And do the laundry. And all that stuff. Steve is too macho to do my stuff. He thinks of me as "the little woman," and I'm kinda tired of it. I want to be in charge of a relationship again. So I want my wife back.

Rep. Hyde: And you think this amendment is going to help?

John: (looking toward the door where Mary walked out) Well, I'm not so sure now. It all seemed to simple a few minutes ago. Maybe she's got ideas of her own. She never used to. Must've gotten that way hanging out with all those feminist friends of hers. You think you could write an amendment about that?

Rep. Hyde: It's in the works.

Jon Worley has as amendment for you right here.