The Prez: Rover called this meeting today. I don't know what it's about, but he usually has a good reason for telling me to do something. So Rover, take it away.

Rover: Mr. President, I want to call your attention to clipping number two, the one concerning your poll numbers.

The Prez: Rover, you know I don't pay attention to numbers. Numbers ain't important.

Dicky: Deficits don't matter!

Rover: It seems that some people just don't believe that we're a nation at war.

The Prez: Those impatiotric [unintelligible]. Send 'em to Guantananamo.

Van Hughesen: Mr President, Guantanamo is only about eight miles by eight miles. Half the nation just wouldn't fit. And you'd have to mobilize all the reserves just to keep order.

The Prez: Well, they're all enemy combatants. Where else can we send them? Nablis?

Rover: Mr President, if I might direct your attention to clip number four. The one about the Supreme Court taking up the Guantanamo cases.

The Prez: Interventionist judges, all of them. Got to clear the court and put some strict constistructionists in there.

Dicky: Deficits don't matter!

Van Hughesen: It's a little late in the game for that, Mr. President. Let's just say that there's a very good chance the Supreme Court will not uphold your absolute right to hold people at Guantanamo indefinitely and without judicial review. We have to prepare ourselves for some kind of setback there.

Rover: We need you to give a few speeches to lower expectations. Talk about how you expect to lose the case, so that when the court throws us a bone or two, we can declare victory.

The Prez: I hate doing that.

Van Hughesen: I know, sir, but sometimes we all have to do things we don't like to do.

The Prez: Really?

Rover: Moving on. There's a bigger issue, the one I was talking about with the poll numbers.

Dicky: Deficits don't matter!

Rover: I was talking about your re-election, sir.

The Prez: I thought you and Van Hughesen were taking care of that. All I had to do was show up to a few fund raisers, memorize a few "voting for liberals is unpatriotic" speeches and everything would be hunky-dory.

Van Hughesen: Well, Mr. President, it turns out that message didn't have the legs we thought it would.

The Prez: Well, how about tax cuts? We could cut more taxes. That always works.

Rover: Sir, most people are more concerned about the budget deficit than how much they're paying in taxes.

Dicky: Deficits don't matter!

Van Hughesen: Nice of you to finally chime in at the right time, Dicky.

Rover: We can't cut more taxes. Most folks have figured out that they didn't save much money with your tax cuts.

The Prez: But all my friends saved a bundle! Of course everyone got loads of money back.

Van Hughesen: I don't know how to put this, Mr. President, but average people don't have summer houses. Average people don't send their sons to Andover.

The Prez: Really?

Rover: Here's the deal. Van Hughesen and I agree: We have to convince the people that we are a nation at war, and that you're the man who can lead them in this time of crisis.

The Prez: Want me to dress up and fly onto another aircraft carrier? That was cool!

Rover and Van Hughesen: No!

Dicky: Deficits don't matter!

Rover: We're looking at a few more crisis points throughout the world. And we're monitoring the intelligence. What we're planning to do is bump up the alert level to Orange off and on over the summer. We can't do it right before the election; the press and the voters would see through that. But the summer is a good time. People aren't in their homes. They're out and about, and they're more conscious of possible disasters.

Van Hughesen: We've done a lot of research on this, and every study shows a bump in the polls of five-to-ten points--as long as you make numerous public appearances during the Orange days and appear calm and confident.

The Prez: But there won't be any real danger, will there? I mean, I don't want to get killed or anything. That would suck.

Dicky: Deficits don't matter!

Rover: The truth is, Mr. President, that we have no idea how accurate any of our intelligence is. We've been raising the alert levels every once in a while just to keep folks, you know, alert.

Van Hughesen: Another major terrorist attack would be golden, of course. Then you could stand tall and take charge. Your re-election would be assured.

The Prez: Wouldn't people ask why we didn't stop the attack?

Rover: Depends on when it happens. Mid-October or later, there wouldn't be enough time for the shock to wear off. You'd be in good shape.

The Prez: But you're not actually planning something, are you?

Van Hughesen: We've got some feelers out, but my guess is that we'll just have to get lucky.

Rover: So for right now, the plan is war, war, war. They're out to get us, they hate freedom, we fight for freedom. We need to stand tall against terrorists and terrorist nations. That sort of thing.

The Prez: Terrorist nations? Are you planning another war?

Dicky: Relax. I'm on the case.

The Prez: Oh, good. I feel much better now.

Jon Worley doesn't feel good at all.