Last Monday, it seemed like the only thing people in the media wanted to talk about was Justin Timberlake popping the hood on Janet Jackson's right breast. I watched the Super Bowl, but missed the "action" (as it were), so I didn't know about it.

As usual, my son Max's playgroup met Monday morning. If you were looking for a focus group of potentially outraged parents, you could have stopped by. While all of us had watched at least parts of the Super Bowl, no one mentioned the "outing" incident. I don't know if any of the moms in the group saw it, but if they did, my guess is that the reaction would be a yawn. After all, these women had been breastfeeding their kids less than a year ago (and in one case, just started up again on child #2), and as any breastfeeding mom knows, when the kid squalls, out comes the breast. After a while, modesty takes a holiday. There's no need for embarrassment; the breast is performing a vital function.

A few days ago, I thought I'd write this column about the infantilization of American culture, decrying the apparent desire that all our public culture (network television, civic art, etc.) be acceptable for appreciation by even the youngest members of our society. But that wouldn't be fair. You know what an infant would think if it saw Janet Jackson's bare breast? Lunch! In fact, the only way a child would interpret that act as sexual (and thus, of course, wrong) is if a parent started screaming about how sick and wrong it was.

You'd think people would learn. Back in 1986, Tipper Gore and Susan Baker and some pals organized the PMRC and goaded their husbands into holding hearings on "indecent" music. One of the highlights of this truly weird gathering was hearing Baker (at least, I think it was her) recite the lyrics to Great White's "On Your Knees." You can find an extended sample of this in Frank Zappa's "Porn Wars," which resides on his Frank Zappa Meets the Mothers of Prevention album. Great White was (then) an unknown L.A. band with a couple of scant-selling albums to its credit. But, lo and behold, its next studio album sold more than a million. Yeah, it did have a couple of decent songs ("Rock Me" is a classic slow-burner), but the publicity generated by the hearings jump-started the band's career. These days, of course, Great White is best-known for the tragic fire at a Rhode Island nightclub. The boys have sure been around.

Anyway. The folks who are waxing livid about this small bit of public exposure are the ones who are harming the kids. They're the ones who are confusing children by screaming "sex sex sex!" But hell, they're all morons. And I don't have any truck with morons.

I'm a parent. I'm well aware that children are not equipped to handle all the realities of the world from day one. It's a good idea to ease them into the flow. Do I think that the little Timberlake-Jackson routine was a good idea? Of course not. The notion of putting those two people on a stage with Kid Rock and other similarly vapid individuals is stupid--and I think it was designed that way. After all, the people who create these showcases assume that the American public likes its entertainment simple ("Hey, look! Boobies!") and stupid (ibid). If I were to create a Super Bowl halftime show that would cater to my son Max, it would feature Ryan Adams, Julie Andrews and the Ataris in a tribute to the songs of Johnny Cash. Okay, maybe Max isn't your typical almost two-year-old, but he likes what he likes, and that's cool.

The point is that our public culture doesn't need to be expurgated to the emotional level of five-year-olds. Kids process information in different ways than adults, and that's a good thing. Now, if your child was actually disturbed by the dance routine during the halftime show (with some good reason, as the replays I've seen do appear fairly violent), there's an easy solution. Explain that they were just playing. That's it. A kid understands that. Little kids play with each other's bodies all the time. It doesn't hurt them. They're just figuring stuff out. That's what kids do.

There are important issues facing America. Every day, more and more children and their families fall into poverty. Despite the best efforts of everyone (Republicans, Democrats, La Rouchies, etc.), our schools still don't work for everyone. Hospitals keep raising rates to pay for the non-insured who clog up emergency rooms with complaints that could be better (and more cheaply) addressed by primary care physicians. Our government is spending itself into a hole in order to...say, why are we spending ourselves into a hole, anyway?

If the sight of one breast on network television can get people all worked up, imagine what would happen if something truly momentous--like, say, the President and his pals spreading reams of disinformation in a successful attempt to start a war--were to take place. Why, there'd be mass outrage. Assemblies of God ministers setting themselves on fire. That sort of thing.

That's what would happen, right?

Right?

Jon Worley's ideal Super Bowl halftime show would feature Firewater, the Wrens, Alice Despard, RJD2, NOFX and a very special Posies reunion.