When I voted in the 2000 election, a new Instant Rewards receipt came out of the machine when I pressed the "vote" button. The concept behind the Instant Rewards system was to reward people for doing their civic duty. It was thought, at the time, that this type of thing would cause more eligible voters to actually vote. My receipt said, "Thank you for voting. You are not a winner. Try again next election." It turns out that there were no winning Instant Reward receipts because all of the money that was supposed to go to voters got eaten up by the cost of implementing the program.

Back in the summer of 2001, everyone who paid taxes the year before got a check from the IRS. I got $300 like almost everyone else. This was supposed to stimulate the economy. Putting $300 into the hands of millions of Americans was supposed to turn around our fortunes. When the rebate was proposed, the reason was to pay Americans back for an economic boom. But by the time we got the checks, it was about rebuilding the economy. Last year, I had to pay about $300 in taxes over and above what I'd paid through payroll. Congratulations, I am not a winner. My rebate ended up back with the government. And, somehow, the economy hasn't gotten better. The government is projecting the largest deficit in the history of man.

I was eating out with a beautiful young woman. It was a Chinese restaurant, and we were having a pretty good time. She almost spilled her water on me, and I enjoyed the nervous excitement of finding someone new. Our fortune cookies came at the end of the meal. When I broke it open, I was a little stunned at what was on the fortune. It said, "Don't even think about it, man. You're never gonna get her." We both thought this was kind of funny, but it turned out to be right. I am not a winner.

The Powerball got to be around $250 million a little while back. I bought five dollars of chances. When I got around to checking the numbers, I saw a note in small print at the bottom of the ticket. It said, "You really have no chance in the world of winning this money, but thanks for playing." The ticket was right. I am not a winner.

A beer distributor was having a contest. There was a chance to win in every bottle of beer. So I started playing. At the end of the first bottle, I peered down the neck and saw the words, "You are not a winner, please try another beer." I kept playing the whole night, eventually finishing off the six pack. I am not a winner. Unless waking up the next morning with a hangover is the prize.

There is a contest going on about halfway around the world right now. The chances of winning (and a prize goes out almost every day now) are about one in 150,000. Which, if you compare to the Powerball (at 1 in 120,000,000), are pretty good odds. The only thing you have to do to get into this contest is be stationed in Iraq as part of the US military. The prize, however, is not so great. Death to the winners--or as the prize delegation puts it--death to the infidels.

Sometimes it's not so bad to be a loser.

Matt Worley wins occasionally.