I'm not sure what alert level we're at right now. I'm gonna guess yellow. Ever since we got the color coded terror alerts, we've never been below yellow. We've been up to orange, been threatened with a red (which, by some interpretation, is martial law), but we've never dipped below yellow to the lower regions of alert. No significant terrorist act has occurred since the two towers went down, but we've been ready. We're armed with duct tape, and we're ready to thrown down like Red Dawn if something happens.

A few weeks ago, the Department of Homeland Security, which presides over the terrorist alert system, said they are looking at changing the system. Maybe putting a few more colors in. They're going to try to make the system less of a source of anxiety than it is now. Of course, they could just do away with the alerts. It doesn't matter what alert we're at. We can't do anything about it anyway, why do they even tell us this stuff?

But in the interest of being a helper instead of a harper, I came up with a new list of alerts.

Since it'll take millions of dollars and probably a few years to actually fix the system (we are talking about the biggest department of government bureaucracy ever created in this country--nothing moves fast), I figured I'd take a stab at fixing it for free.

White Alert (low): Basically nothing is happening. In some parts of the country, anyone who isn't white could get stopped for no reason--which is pretty much business as usual.

Blue Alert (not as low as white, but not very high): usually occurs during TV rerun season. Stop watching the shows you watched all year, pop a blue pill and get busy--it's time to feel good, people!

Baby Blue Alert (about the same as blue--but nine months later): a boom of Blue Alert babies are born. Increased amount of baby showers, earplugs and sales of scotch.

Pink Alert (actually, I think we're at pink alert right now): It's Gay Pride month. There will be parades. There will be drink specials. There will be spotlights and outrageous costumes. There will be show tunes. Wife-beater T's and piercings at are an all time high. Hug everyone! Feel the love!

Avocado Alert (nothing is very dangerous, except the dip): Avocados are out of season, and some restaurants begin to use mashed peas instead.

Green Alert (big busts in pot industry cause shortage): Ration your supply, don't even think about selling excess--not even to friends; wait for another shipment to arrive.

Purple Alert (increased awareness of unusually colored cars): Drivers of cars colored purple, bright yellow, bright orange or lime green are stopped and given sanity check. $150 fine for people who say, "I want other drivers to see me when I'm driving."

Brown Alert (increased awareness of sun tans): Usually occurring during the summer. Anyone not milky white in skin color will be given pamphlets about the affects of the sun's rays on the skin. There will also be liberal use of sun screen, so be prepared for the smell.

Beige Alert (increased awareness of outrageous fashion): Dress down, stick to earth tones, try not to be the most colorful person in the room. Anyone standing out in a crowd will be strip searched.

Orange Alert (increased awareness of Vitamin C): Usually occurring during flu months. Anyone with a sniffle will be given free Vitamin C.

Yellow Alert (we're almost to red, so I guess it's getting worse): Drive really fast and get through the intersection before we get to red.

Red Alert (okay, it's really bad, I mean it!): Curl up into fetal position (preferably underneath heavy furniture), have water available, wait for sirens to stop. Anyone not protecting their head will be shot.

I hope this is helpful. Sometimes it just takes a bit of ingenuity and rational thought to make things clear and easy for everyone. Please follow the rules. Do not step out of line. Stand up straight. Smile. Be happy.

Remember: we know who you are, and we're coming for you. Have a nice day.

Matt Worley is on the National Committee for the Domination of the Weak and Pliable.