A week or so ago, a British documentary about Michael Jackson--filmed with his consent and cooperation--aired in Europe and then a few days later in the US. I stayed away from it, for the most part, but I did read articles saying Jackson was mad about it. He sued the journalist for being misleading and then sold his own videotapes of the interviews to FOX. The "rebuttal" will air later this week (up against "Friends" and "Survivor," which should be interesting in itself).

Last night, when it was clear the New Mexico Lobos were not going to come back against Wyoming, I ran across a rebroadcast of the documentary on VH1. At first, I was struck by the strange cartoonish look of Mike's face. But after a while, this became normal: his collapsed nose, kabuki makeup, huge eyes (very E.T.-like), impossible hair and meticulously placed 5 o'clock shadow. What became very apparent is how far away from reality this guy is.

Back in 1983, Michael Jackson was the shit. He was the biggest star in the world. And he was still black at the time. Michael Jackson was the first black artist MTV ever aired. He sold millions and millions of copies of Thriller. Our family eventually owned three copies. The first one we got when "Billie Jean" was still number one on the singles charts and "Beat It" was about to follow. We bought it at a TG&Y, and the three of us kids were very excited. This was the musical holy grail of the time.

We played Thriller continuously. We knew the words to all of the songs. We wanted a little baby tiger as a pet. We learned who Vincent Price was because he did a voice over on "Thriller" (the song). We got into Van Halen because Eddie played the guitar solo on "Beat It." The thing is, Michael Jackson was huge. Too big for everything. As big as the Beatles when they couldn't do anything without causing a riot.

I'm thinking this did something to Michael Jackson's brain. But maybe it happened sooner. He had already started to change his looks by the time Thriller came out. His nose was thinner (if you watch The Wiz or videos from Off The Wall, he used to have a wide nose and an afro), and his hair was straightened. And, for some reason, his balls never dropped. He never developed a deep voice. I've never heard a good reason for this, but I'm not sure if there's a really good reason for any of this.

In the documentary, Michael Jackson talks like a squeaky old woman. He carries himself like a vain, rickety grandma. He's 44 years old, but believes he's still a kid. He claims to have had two nose jobs and nothing else done to his face. He says the reason he looks different from twenty years ago is because he's changed. Evolved. Somehow the completely unnatural look he's developed is completely natural. And at one point, he says he looks this way because he's still a child. Then he rants that everyone has plastic surgery, "Plastic surgery wasn't invented for Michael Jackson!" he says in the most forceful voice he can manage. I believe this because he seems to have picked the most inept ones available.

But changed? Does he really feel like he's changed or wants to change? I don't think so. His music is the same as the early 80s, and he doesn't seem to understand why fewer and fewer people want to hear it. When his records don't sell, he blames everyone except himself. He's stuck in a vicious cycle of saying that he's still a kid, and having everyone around him agree with this. But he's 44. Middle aged, if not more.

Which is where it really gets creepy. Because Mike seems to think it's okay to sleep with kids. He says everyone in the world should do this: get together, sleep together. That we'll love each other more if we could all get together. At the same time, he does not allow the women who gave birth to his children any access to them. He claims they do not want to know or see them. His children are generous gifts from women who know he needs to be a father.

The creepiness came to a head near the end of the documentary, where a 12-year-old boy, who Mike says is a dear friend, is leaning on the old man, desperately holding his hand and saying it's okay to sleep with Mike because they love each other. This is what people who love each other do together. Maybe, but I don't think anyone else in the world could say they sleep with 12-year-olds and feel no one should find this surprising or wrong.

Now, the documentary is definitely slanted. The music and voice over of the interviewer definitely makes everything seem dark and sinister, which I'm sure is what made Mike mad. But I can't see what Mike's personal videographers might have caught on film that'll make him seem less creepy when it comes to sleeping with children. Unless Mike decides this entire section of the interview needs to be cut.

I couldn't say I've been a fan of Michael Jackson since the mid-80s. He lost himself somewhere. Instead of trying to find himself a place in this world, he's reverted to an insular childlike persona who feels a wave of his hand or ham-faced denial means the truth. Maybe he's convinced himself of all the things he can't understand others don't believe. He lives in a makebelieve world which also happens to coincide with the real world. Sometimes.

Matt Worley never really wanted to be Michael Jackson, but David Lee Roth is a whole other story.