While driving the cab during the Balloon Fiesta in mid-October, I received my first "new" twenty. I didn't dwell too much on it at the time as there was always more money to be made during that week, whether it be ones, fives, tens, twenties, fifties or hundreds. Since then, the amount of "new" twenties has increased to be about 1/3 of my 20s received. I'm sure it will steadily rise until the quotation marks will no longer be necessary to say "new" twenty.

It doesn't bother me that my government is changing the money yet again. Within the last ten years, they made all the little Franklin heads into BIG Franklin heads on the hundred. Grant, Jackson, Hamilton and Lincoln followed suit. Typical to a governmental project, they didn't finish the job correctly. Good old George Washington still has a tiny head on the one. The reason is that no one actually counterfeits one dollar bills, but if you're going to change the money, I say go all the way.

What is the strangest aspect to introducing "new" twenties to the public is how the government is advertising the change: The New Color of Money. Safer. Smarter. More Secure. Have people really been having problems with their twenty dollar bills lately?

Yes, in George W's America, everything is done in the spirit of security and protection. Even the "new" twenties. We all know that the money gets changed to keep ahead of counterfeiters, but to be blunt, most counterfeiters aren't in America, and most counterfeit US currency resides outside of the country. To tell American citizens that the "new" twenty is safer, smarter, and more secure is just plain bunk.

I work in a cash-in-hand industry, and I have never gotten a fake twenty in my life. I do admit that I peek to see the little internal strip (a.k.a. security thread) on every fifty and hundred. Mainly because if I ever got screwed out of that much money, I would be a grumpy man on the road for the rest of the day. Even with a touch of paranoia sinking in on bigger bills, I've never received fake money. In fact, the worst scam has been using Canadian pennies and dimes in lieu of good old American change. There goes my profit margin.

Now, the "new" twenties sport the security thread, a watermark (a little translucent Andrew Jackson to the right side of the big Jackson), color shifting ink (the lower right twenty changes from copper to green for those who have taken LSD), wavy TWENTY USA lines, and little floating 20s all around the white house. A little excessive? Hey, whatever the government wants to do.

Just please don't tell me it's safer, smarter and more secure. It's a freaking twenty dollar bill. If I use the dangerous, dumber and more unstable twenties made in years past, I still get the same amount of goods and services. As a cabbie, I will take your money in whatever form you're willing to give. I've gotten paid entirely in change, rolls of quarters, stacks of ones all the way up to hundred dollar bills. Screw what's safe. I gots to get paid.

I really don't have anything against the "new" twenties. I adjusted to the old "new" twenties, and I will do so with the new "new" twenties. I'm just a little sick and tired of being told that everything is done for my safety and protection. I am no safer than I was on September 10, 2001. It is all an illusion of safety, and I can see right through it like a watermark of Andrew Jackson.

Hey buddy, you got change for a crumpled up, small-headed Jackson, twenty dollar greenback that is actually just a piece of paper which represents the concept of the monetary trade system of capitalist society in the United States of America?

Oh yeah, sure, guy. Your concept is safe and secure with me.

Chris Jungle believes that the best things in life are free.