Warriors against war
a line-in-the-sand SUIT column by Chris Jungle
As I drove people around town on the Friday before Memorial Day, I asked most of them if they had some good plans for the three day weekend. Most of them shrugged and admitted to not planning to do much of anything. One old lady went so far as to tell me that when you get to be 87, holidays don't mean much of anything.
Looking back two months to our last war, I don't really feel like celebrating Memorial Day either. What was that conflict about anyway? There was Saddam and his Weapons of Mass Destruction, and it was only a matter of time before he attempted his world domination. It all made sense in theory, and the president pushed that angle until the overwhelming majority of Americans believed the Iraqi leader was the devil preparing to attack.
Weapons inspectors searched for nukes and biological weapons and found nothing. The world pressed for more time for the inspectors to do their job, but the American military was already in place for war. We went in and faced modest resistance for about a week before the surrenders came fast and furious. No surprise attack from Saddam, and by the end, there was no Saddam at all. Now we are back to where we were before the war began: searching for weapons of mass destruction. We are desperately rummaging the land for validity for a war that's already over, and on top of that, we are supposed to keep the peace, fund reconstruction and beef up Iraq's oil production. War is sucking up the last remains of the biggest economic boom in American history. Remember the late 90s?
What's up with this war thing anyway? All the government tells me is that the war isn't over yet, and that I need to be patient. Not just for that war, but our wars on concepts as well: War on Drugs, War on Terrorism, War on Poverty, War on Illiteracy. We're very good about starting these wars, but last I checked all of these things still exist in abundance. We don't know how to end them. We only know how to throw money at the effort, destroy some lives, and nobody really benefits.
The main problem with all these wars we wage, I don't feel any better, safer or more patriotic. I see all the Support Our Troops signs, but I honestly don't know how I should do this. Wave an American flag? Go to a baseball game? Shop until I drop? Punch hippies? Marry a woman in the service? Nope. I have something else in mind. I'll get troops of my own.
On this Memorial Day, I would like to take a page from the old 70s funk band aptly named War. When people asked what they were at war with, the band replied that they waged war on war. I would like everybody to do the same. Down with War! Come join the Warriors against war. You can be an army of one in the army of more than one. If you see anyone waging war, shoot them. Let's kill war dead.
Like other wars, the war on war will never end. Each member of the military will have to provide their own equipment, training, motivation and discipline. It will not be easy. War will not give up without a fight. It's one of the four horsemen, for God n' Allah's sake, and you must be prepared for the worst. War has the most destructive weapons known to man, and it has no qualms about using as many as it can. War takes the lives of men, women and children, so that means you too. It will say anything and everything to demolish as many as possible. War will lie, deceive, humiliate and bully everyone against it. War will apologize for its ways and destroy some more. War will take no responsibility. War will wash its hands with the blood of the dead. So be ready.
On this Memorial Day, let us have a new army. One that will wage war on anyone who wages war. Let's root out these warmongers once and for all, put them in concentration camps and torture them into submission until they beg and plead for peace and understanding of all people.
If you do not feel compelled to actively join the Warriors against War, I ask you to do your patriotic duty and support our troops.
Chris Jungle is the one and only no-star general.