It took a while, but someone finally figured out who was drinking alcohol in this country. According to a recent study, underage drinkers (ages 0-20) imbibe 20 percent of alcohol consumed in our fair nation. Another 30 percent are those who are legal to drink but do so more than they should (more than two drinks a day). That's 2.1 billion drinks a month for the youth and alcoholics. This column is for you.

Since I have fit into several different categories at one time or another, I feel it qualified to toast the drunks. Let's start with the kids:

To the fourteen year old girls who go to parties, polish off a bottle of vodka and wake up in the hospital to say "I didn't know alcohol could poison you.": Your naivete makes us all look smarter.

To the fresh-faced liquor cabinet raiders sneaking nips from pappy's booze: Your petty thievery is best disguised with water in the clear liquids and ice tea in the browns.

To the dirt road pounder fests: Who would have thought a 30-pack of Coors Extra Gold could disappear so quickly in the middle of nowhere? Now, the trick is driving back to town safely. Does the speedometer really say 90?

To jungle juice, keggers, parents going out of town, homecomings, proms, and basically any excuse for kids to come together: Booze always makes those crazy adolescent social experiments easier.

To sixteen year old Chris Jungle, who always assumed that when he threw up it simply made room for a few more cans of Milwaukee's Best: May the devil come looking for you two hours after your astounding metabolism has allowed you to stumble back to your bed.

For the kids, here's to all their suppliers of booze: Without your kind favors, many of the youth of America might have to go through adolescence at the mercy of their confusing hormones. Now that would be scary.

But wait a minute, why should the kids have all the fun? Kids may be crazy boozers but they have no style in what they drink. Boone's Farm? Keystone Light? Albertson's Vodka? Us adult drinkers shudder at their lack of taste. What about legal adults who put away more than two drinks a day? Don't they deserve a toast or two. You bet you do, and these are for you:

To the binge drinkers, you are the bar setters: Without you, the rest of us might realize how much we've put away ourselves. Whether beer, wine, or the hard stuff, you take it to a professional level, and we are all in stunned awe.

To the drunk driver, the most daring of alcoholics: It is always noble to try and make it home with limited hand-eye coordination. Always take the back roads when you can, and there's no shame in talking to yourself to keep the driving home conversation lively.

To the winos, the sophisticated slushers: Your slurred slurps keep you warm during the strangest of situations, and somehow, people still want to keep talking to you at the party.

To the sports-related boozers: The bliss that comes from watching organized sports and drinking can only be matched in hypothetical situations. Whether football, baseball or hockey, the only way to believe you are half the athlete of who you're watching is to down a few. Whatooyoomeancutoff?

To the full blown alcoholics, we cannot raise are glasses high enough: I went to the memorial service of a local theatre critic this Friday. She was 44 and an admitted alcoholic. Once the habit becomes a disease, it's only a matter of time. Thanks, Ann, for your reviews even though you would've rather been doing something else half the time.

To the myriad of those problem drinkers I did not touch on, I offer this: We play with fire, we experiment rather than abstain, we numb the world rather than wallow in it. For all sorts of reasons and rationalizations, we'll stay for one more round, and we'll be better and worse for it.

Without us and the kids, the alcohol trade would be half of what it is today. Cheers, everyone. Down the hatch.

Chris Jungle drank coffee with Irish cream while he wrote this column.