Not to freak everybody out, but it seems like our government and media are trying to freak everybody out. In my Saturday afternoon paper, a full-page spread was dedicated exclusively to what to do to survive a terrorist attack. Apparently, one of the worst things we can do as citizens is not know what to do if a nuclear bomb detonates in our area. I thought I'd reprint some of the tips with a few personal comments of my own. Remember folks, it's all about being prepared just like the Boy Scouts.

Surviving a Chemical or Biological Attack:

Listen to the radio for instructions as to whether to remain inside or evacuate.

Personally, I don't rely on the radio to play good music anymore, let alone tell me what to do after the chemical attack comes. Everyone stay home! No wait, everyone leave your home! Uh, we'll figure this out after this commercial break and the latest from J-Lo. She's so hot. I'm talking radioactive hot!

Seek shelter in an internal room. Seal the room with duct tape and plastic sheeting. Ten square feet will provide enough breathable air for five hours.

This handy advice has caused a run on duct tape and plastic sheeting. I never knew so many people wanted to live five hours longer than the rest of us. I plan to duct tape my mouth after an attack. Not to keep me alive, but to curb the curses I will undoubtedly have for my government for picking a fight with the rest of the world.

Turn off all ventilation, including furnaces, air conditioners, vents and fans.

Makes sense. The last thing you want during a biological attack is an inflated utility bill.

Attempt to get upwind if caught in an unprotected area; find shelter as quickly as possible.

Strangely enough, this is the same advice given for when someone farts.

Decontaminate yourself as quickly as possible; help others decontaminate after the chemical attack. Remove all clothing and other items in contact with the body. Gently wash your entire body with soap and water.

I am starting to get aroused by all this talk of a chemical attack. Hey baby, need some help getting decontaminated?

Surviving a Nuclear, Nucular, or Radiological Attack:

Don't look at the flash or fireball. It can blind you.

Good advice. Now, all I need is for someone to show me where the fireball will occur and I'll stop looking in that direction.

Take cover behind anything that might offer protection if caught outside. Lie flat on the ground and cover your head.

Good old duck & cover, an old standard held over from 1950s hysteria. If there's one thing I've learned about nuclear bombs over the years, it's that you'll be fine as long as you lie flat on the ground.

Know that fallout won't occur immediately. If an explosion is some distance away, it might take 30 seconds or more for a blast wave to hit. Fallout occurs about 20 minutes after the explosion.

So basically, I have anywhere from 30 seconds to a half an hour to live after the bomb hits. Good to know, I'll make sure to keep myself busy during that dead time before I die.

Stay in shelter until told to leave after an attack. It could take a day to a month before you are told to move. Try to maintain sanitary conditions. Ration food. Cooperate with shelter managers.

Just because man has just tried to destroy himself and the world around him doesn't mean it's time to be dirty and rude. Politeness counts in the postapocalyptic world.

Don't impose severe rationing, especially on children, the ill or elderly.

More canned green beans, anyone?

Check your homes for signs of collapse or damage, such as toppling chimneys, falling bricks and collapsing walls once it's safe to leave the shelter. Remove broken glass from windows, mirrors or fallen light fixtures. Immediately clean up spilled medicines, drugs, flammable liquids and other potentially hazardous materials.

Well said. I would hate to see any lasting aftereffects from nuclear war. So clean up your home and get back to work!

Chris Jungle is ready for anything.