Every week, I pull the Parade Magazine out of the Sunday paper, cruise the gossip column to see whose publicity person kissed the most ass and then look for the Dale Earnhardt tribute merchandise ad. This week's memento is a beer tankard emblazoned with a picture of the Intimidator hugging his seventh (and last) Winston Cup Championship trophy. A little cheesy, but much more tasteful than the velvet paintings depicting Jesus, General Lee and Earnhardt walking through heaven that guys sell out of the back of their vans.

While we're on the subject of wringing out the last dollar from the memory of a dead famous person, did anyone else marvel at how soon after John Ritter's death the "Three's Company" DVD sets got into stores?

I heard that Elizabeth Smart is upset that the producers of "The Elizabeth Smart Story" (or "Another Great White Slavery Story" or whatever the hell it's called) didn't bother to talk to her or ask her to play herself or anything like that. I guess no one ever explained to her the difference between "based on a true story" and "a true story."

From what I can tell, the folks who raised holy hell about "The Reagans" were most pissed off by the implications that Ronald Reagan was out of the loop on the Iran/Contra affair and that Nancy Reagan had a strong influence over her husband. Am I missing something here? The last "passive" first lady was Pat Nixon, and even she exerted a great deal of influence over Dick. And as for the "I can't recall" video testimony anthology that made every sentient American cringe, don't these dingbats realize that if Ronald Reagan was in the loop in Iran/Contra he quite well could have been impeached? His whole defense was that Ollie North and John Poindexter were "rogue agents." Sure, we all know that's a load of crap (at the very least, George H.W. Bush had his hand in the matter), but that is the official story from the Reagan camp. Some folks just don't remember history.

More history? Seems to me that all the folks that are comparing the current situation in Iraq to Vietnam or WWII or whatever are missing the boat. How about Afghanistan (the Russian version)? Superpower rolls in because it's worried that a particular government represents a threat. Said superpower succeeds in supplanting the "hated" government, but gets bogged down in a quasi-religious guerrilla war. That sounds vaguely familiar.

If I'm a guy who plunks down on the couch Wednesdays for "Karen Sisco" because it's cleverly written and fun to watch, does that make me a metrosexual?

Speaking of Howard Dean, did it strike anyone else as weird that John Edward would suggest that true southerners are Dale Earnhardt Jr. fans and not hicks who drive around in pickup trucks while waving a Confederate battle flag? Anyone who's actually spent time with real southerners (I'm acquaintances with one or two) knows that the die-hard NASCAR fan always has a little spot in his (or her) heart for "Awesome Bill from Dawsonville," Bill Elliot. Little E? He's much more of a Yankee marketing tool. After all, his big sponsor is a St. Louis beer company.

Did you know that the beer that made Milwaukee famous is now headquartered in ... Texas? I don't know where Schlitz is actually brewed these days, but the Pabst Brewing Company (which owns some of the most disreputable beers around, from Schaefer to Old Style to Stag to Champale) is now located in lovely San Antonio. Remember those Pace picante sauce ads (New York City!)? Makes you wonder just how "authentic" that PBR you just slammed was, now doesn't it?

Speaking of bad beer, a bunch of students at Wake Forest University (a fine Baptist institution) had themselves a blind taste test of a bunch of macrobrews. The winners? Bud Ice, Labatt Blue Light and Bud. The losers? Coors Light, Michelob Ultra and Milwaukee's Best Light. The "study" paid closest attention to the ratio of alcohol content/price (an almost meaningless algorithm in North Carolina, since all beer of more than 6 percent is illegal), and as near as I can tell there were a lot more references to "piss" than good taste. Hey, if you want to get drunk fast, you can't beat PGA and Kool-Aid.

I've almost finished my cycle of Carl Hiaasen books. I'm re-reading my stash, and when that's done I'm going to pick up his latest, Basket Case and his YA (that's young adult, for all you non-bookstore types) environmental thriller, Hoot. I've always wondered why more of his books didn't end up as movies. Of course, when I saw him at a reading last year, someone asked him why Strip Tease was the only one of his books to his the big screen he sat up with a serious look on his face, adjusted his glasses and said, "Hmm. Let me take a wild guess..."

Turns out the movie version of The Human Stain isn't quite as good as the book. Imagine my surprise. Anthony Hopkins strikes me as neither Jewish or black, and while Nicole Kidman is a fine actress, it's hard to imagine her as an illiterate janitor. Then again, she plays an Appalachian ingenue in Cold Mountain. Hard to figure which was the weirder casting call.

The Kansas City Chiefs are 9-0. The Kansas City Royals started the season 9-0. In the history of the major leagues and the NFL, there has never been a city that has had both its baseball and its football team (or even one of each, if talking about Los Angeles, Chicago and New York) start the season 9-0 or better. I don't know what this means, other than I've been one happy sports fan this year.

The Rugby World Cup is going on. The four teams left are Australia, France, England and New Zealand. Semi-finals are next weekend--4 a.m. EST Saturday and Sunday. You folks on the left coast have no excuses. Next week: My cricket report.

Jon Worley couldn't think of a damned thing to write, so you had to read this drivel. He'll try harder next week.