Howdy folks. Glad you could make it.

I called you here tonight to talk to you about some bad things been goin' down at the ol' Eyeracky Ranch. Seems our old friend Sad-Am Whosayin's been doin' some things he ain't oughta.

Now I know some a y'all think he jes a no-count cattle russler. And he surely is that. But theys lots more to the story. Lots more.

First off, he done poison his own herd. Don't know why. Ain't make no sense at all, but he done it. And you jes cain't say but he might do it to yer herd next. You never know. Cain't tell me no different.

Then theys the matter of the fences. He done take em down so as to let the cattle he didn't kill to graze on someone else's land. Don't that beat all? Jes take downa fence and let his head run rancid all over someone else's land? He might do it to yer fences next. You never know.

But wait, theys more.

I hear he's trying to build hisself one a them big guns that jes shoot and shoot and shoot and all he gotta do is turn a crank. You know what I'm talkin' about. Imagine if he gets one a them guns working. He might be able to shoot all the cattle on the land next to his. Then he can move along from ranch to ranch, and the next thing you know he's shooting at yer cattle--and mebbe you, too! Once he gits hisself one of them guns, you jes don't know what he's gonna do. You never know.

And that's not all.

I got it on good authority that he's got hisself some of Osama the Kid's gang hiding out on his ranch. That he's giving them guns and whatnot so as to make a general mess of things. Now I'll tell you, if he's got some of them no-count boys--all of them wanted men, mind you--hiding out on his place, well, we don't need nothing else. We ought to go right in there and clean them all out. If they escape and start to raise a ruckus, well, theys no way of telling what might happen. You never know.

But I'm a patient man. And by God, I think I been patient enough. Done waited almost two months while the sheriff been out there checking things out. And just cause he and his deputies ain't found nothing worth saying nothing about don't mean theys ain't nothing out there. Mister Whosayin is a very smart fella. Smarter than anyone else inna world. He can hide big guns in broad daylight. He can make entire herds of cattle disappear before your very eyes. If I wasn't a God-fearing man, I'd say that Mr. Whosayin is a first-class magician.

But I do believe in God. And so I give the sheriff the time he need to find the stuff I know is out there. And if he cain't find it, well, mebbe he ain't trying hard enough. Mebbe he jes out there to make me look silly. Too damn many mebbes for my comfort.

So the time has come. The sheriff done prove he ain't willing to do dick. We all know Mister Whosayin is a bad man. I say it's time we go out there and clean his clock once and for all. Make sure we don't leave his place until he's pushing up the pansies. Then mebbe we let my friend Awl Derrick take over the ol' Eyeracky Ranch and run it right. Guarantee he'll get more cattle to the market. And if that ain't the Amurrcun way, well, I don't know what is.

And now I ask you: Are you wit me, or agin me? If yer agin me, may God have mercy on yer soul. Cause I'm coming after you next. May not put a bullet in yer brain, but I can guarantee you ain't never gonna see no money outta ol' Mister Whosayin's herd. Yer jes gonna have to sit on yer sorry little butt and watch as the rest of us make out like bandits.

Mebbe I should rephrase that.

Jon Worley is most definitely not down wit the P.