Because I'm an idiot (and more importantly, because I have nothing important to say), here are a few truly silly predictions for 2003.

The Flaming Lips sweep the Grammys.
Every couple of years, Grammy voters shower one senior citizen or another with statuettes. Okay, so the Lips aren't eligible for AARP membership. They are getting dangerously close to forty-something territory, which is old enough for the "alternative" crowd. Wayne Coyne and pals have been freaking folks out for 20 years and have a five-disc retrospective on Rykodisc to prove it (that two-package set is must listening for anyone who gives a shit about good music, by the way). Their new album is pretty good. So why shouldn't this be the year of the Lips?

The budget deficit tops a trillion bucks for fiscal 2003
This one's easy. The Prez wants to give his rich pals big breaks, and that won't stop the economy from tanking further. $600 billion in stimulus? Stop rosily scenarioing us and use real numbers, guys.

The U.S. beats Germany in the women's World Cup final
Birgit Prinz will score twice for the Germans and Mia Hamm will score twice for the U.S. Come the 90th minute, Danielle Slaton will head in a Shannon McMillan cross to put the good ol' U.S.A. on top once again.

Rudy Giuliani endorses Al Sharpton for President
"Us New York guys gotta stick together," the hero-in-chief will say from his office in downtown Mexico City. "Al has shown great maturity of late. In the months after nine-eleven, he didn't say much of anything. That's true leadership. And anyway, if enough people really think Al's got a chance, then Dubya will win in a walk."

McDonald's files for bankruptcy
Turns out everyone's getting fat eating at P.F. Chang's and TGI Friday's, not the king of grease. The franchise will wobble (Big 'n' Tasty? C'mon, guys, that's a real reach), but Bill Gates will step in to rescue this true pillar of the American coronary heathcare establishment.

Dick Cheney dies of a heart attack
But since he's alone in his secret bunker, no one notices for a week. "He always said it would be cool to die like Breznev," said his wife, Lynne. "He thought it was great the way the Politburo could stop leaks better than Pepto Bismol."

The Prez picks Hillary Clinton as Veep
"When I said I wanted to bring both parties together, I meaned it," our esteemed leader says. "But if I hear one whisper that the bitch is planning some sort of targeted removal, she's history."

The Braves squeak past the Twins in the World Series
Who says sequels suck? Twelve years after their first encounter, these two teams once again take the series a full seven games. Greg Maddux comes in on two days rest to pitch the last two innings--and he hits the game-winning home run in the ninth. Chipper Jones is voted MVP anyway.

The White House burns down on Christmas morning
"Must've been all that coal I shoved down the chimney," a bemused Kris Kringle tells the Washington Post.

The SIMS--Bootylicious sucks bandwidth better than Barbara Dare
Think your Sims oughta do a little more than play tonsil hockey and then squirm around under the sheets--where you can't see them in action? This program allows you to turn your Sims neighborhood into Boogie Nights with truly slammin' adult action. Complete with a cheesy soundtrack taken straight from Heidi Goes Yodeling, this naughty little add-on boasts more than a billion downloads by year's end.

Larry Bell is awarded a Kennedy Center honor
Brewing is an art, and Bell brews the best beer in the world. "While I don't drink any more--at least as long as my wife is watching--lots of people tell me you make great beer," the Prez says to a trembling Bell. Every member of the audience is handed a free glass of beer with which to toast the master, a noble gesture which unfortunately bankrupts Bell's Kalamazoo Brewing Company for good.

Elmore Leonard wins the Nobel Prize for Literature
America's greatest living writer finally gets his due. "I know I would have voted for Miroslav Satan, but Elmore's a pretty good writer for a guy who's had all his books made into movies," says a disappointed Philip Roth. Leonard attributes his surprise success to an inability to translate the word "motherfucker" into Swedish. "I think it came out as 'melonfarmer' or something, and so the Swedes thought I was some sort of genius satirist," Leonard says.

My back will grow more hair
Um, that's probably not the sort of prediction you needed to see...

Jon Worley will shave--his face--a few dozen times in the year 2003.