Two tennis-playing sisters go round the outside, round the outside, round the outside...

Shika shika ooh!

I don't know why you make me feel this way, she says, moving close in time, but I like the way it feels. I have an answer, but, following my new policy of not being completely honest and forthright, I don't say anything. Of course, this new resolve only lasts for a short period of time.

Is that a new tattoo? The one with the big blue eye bulging from around your left breast? No way I could've missed that last time. Why is it starting to smear as I lick it? My tongue is gonna be blue, girl!

She whispers something about Lick it up, baby! Lick it up!

Blinga blinga what?

What we want is a regime change in Iraq. This is not an assassination. This is not illegal. This is not bullying another country too weak to even lift guns to fight back. This is for the protection and security of the American people. Because the American people are afraid of Saddam Hussein. And if we don't use that fear now, when else will we have the mandate to take care of his ass?

Boom clicky clicky boom boooom!

What I really try to do with my parts, and I think most good actors do this, is to inhabit their souls without letting those souls take me over. The incident in the diner where I only left a five percent tip is really not indicative of my regular tipping procedure--it's something my character would do in real life. And I was, possibly, too much in character to tip a decent fifteen or twenty percent. Of course, I did give her my autograph, so you'd think this would just blow over and go away.

Shlip biddy biddy shoopa doo!

The monsoon season has not officially begun, as rainfall has been in the traces instead of the inches. When we fully get into the big rain time, we will see this desert bloom. Until then, stop using water all together. A new water substitute drink will be on the market shortly and should make everything okee-dokee. Isn't technology wonderful?

Until then, please refrain from shooting off twenty-one gun salute fireworks from the backs of your cars. This will cause disorientation and possibly rage in other drivers. They may shoot something back at you.

[crickets chirping]

In an unprecedented event, all of Israel's military equipment was traded with the Palestinians' ability to make war for one day. Soon after the transfer, the Palestinians began rolling down Israeli streets with tanks while Israeli's committed numerous acts of suicide bombing. Both sides claimed that their tactics were legal, and that they were just trying to defend themselves from the evil scourge.

Can I get a 40-megaton bomb over here? Hell yeah...

The United States Post Office closed down for a few hours today when it was alerted to an attempt inside the Publisher's Clearing House company to spread acid (LSD) to nearly three-fourths of the country on the backs of magazine stamps. After testing, it was determined that someone in the post office was overreacting to a bad Internet joke spread around the office by a chucklehead in accounting.

Flip flip flip, badamagamadon...

There are familiar touches and then there are sensual touches and then there is just copping a feel. Sometimes all of these techniques are necessary when in close and confined spaces. But one should be aware that the way you feel about a touch might be different from the one receiving the touch. And it should be pointed out that if you are wrong about the way the touch might be interpreted, then the touch is wrong and you are wrong and everything is bad, bad, bad. So quit it, you bastard. You're gonna get us all in trouble.

Riinnggggg, riinngggi, rinngggringgringgg

There is something a little surreal about being waken up by drunken friends celebrating somewhere in the southern regions of Mexico in the middle of the night. The message (we're alright, we're almost there) is not really as important as spending the three minutes provided by the calling card listening to how gloriously drunk they are. Especially when you put the phone down, realize it's about three in the morning, there's one day left of vacation, it's hot and there is no girl waiting for you to rejoin her in bed.

In other words, the world is in crisis and something must be done to correct all of this badness.

Matt Worley has been a bit mixed up this week.