President Bush told kids who were graduating recently that they should reject the "culture of selfishness" and volunteer for community or military service. Because, I guess, we're at war and sacrifices must be made.

This is, on the surface, a good thing to tell kids. They shouldn't grow up thinking the only thing to do in life is to make a lot of money. That having the great big house in the suburbs with enough garage space for four cars is the meaning to life. Or that new Audi with whatever great new improvements they put in cars these days. Or enough money to buy the stripper from the strip club.

These things will only make you happy for a little while. The house will, inevitably, become too small or need repairs or be rewired for broadband plus. The car will break down, get keyed, get stolen, or try to occupy the same part of space as a 1978 Dodge Dart. And the stripper, well, the stripper will only be your personal stripper for as long as you can afford it. Then she goes to the next highest bidder.

It's the nature of things. It's the nature of capitalism. Which is the nature of selfishness in this country.

Everything is for me, and everyone else can fuck off.

That the Prez is saying to reject the "culture of selfishness" is a bit of "do as I say, not as I do." Politics is all about being incredibly selfish, but making it look like you are doing this for everyone except yourself. It's for the party. It's for the good of the people. It's for my friends who are paying $1000 a plate to hear me say the things they want me to say.

If politics wasn't about being selfish, then why did Enron have all those meetings with the Prez's administration? Because they liked shooting the bull with each other? No, the Enron people had good reason to cozy up to the Bushes and Cheneys. But it wasn't for the good of the American people, it was for the good of the people in that room.

I'm selfish, too.

I don't have any kids or significant others. The money I make mostly goes to things I want. I don't like to go to movies I don't want to see. I don't like to eat food that tastes bad to me. Sometimes I like being alone. And sometimes I like having company. But it's all about me.

Today is Father's Day and a few friends and I went out for breakfast. A guy who knew one of my friends asked where the fathers were. We said we were celebrating NOT being fathers. This got a nice chuckle and a few sighs of relief. We are not family men.

I'm not saying that I don't do things for other people.

There's a guy who sits near the off-ramp of I-40 at Louisiana. He told me while I was waiting for the light to change that he was from Florida and was trying to get enough money to go back. He used to be a carny--but there aren't many jobs for carnys anymore, so he's really just homeless. I've given him a few bucks, but probably less than five. Every time I drive past and he's there, he gives me a salute.

I've got a friend who's in the Peace Corps right now. She seems to like what she's doing, but, after almost two years, has problems with the way the Peace Corps run their organization. And their priorities, as far as what to do in the countries they operate in.

The problem with most non-profit groups is that they try to operate as a business, but have no business savvy. People who are good at business tend to want to be able to make lots of money--not really possible in most non-profit jobs.

So here is the dilemma, Mr. Prez. To live in this world--in this country--you have to have a good job, get a house and a dog and a wife. Settle down. Stop being so selfish and open yourself up to other people. This costs money. More than I make, as far as I can tell.

But what constitutes community service? Aren't I helping the community by going to see plays or concerts or having a few pitchers in the bar? I'm moving the money from my pocket to others who depend on it to keep their lives going. I am supporting artists and their artistic endeavors, or bartenders and their bartending endeavors. Is this what you mean by helping the community? Will this get me a bigger tax break?

I think the definition of community service should be a personal one. There are people I know who like to work with mentally-handicapped kids. There are people who like to work with homeless animals. And then there's me. I like to have a beer, talk to friends and listen to the band play.

Who's to say that's not the best thing I can do for my community?

Matt Worley is a selfish bastard.