The first thing that occurs when you plunk down money for something these days is quick and not always so painless. What happens is they try to make you buy more. You're already there, money in hand, ready to settle your bill and they say, "But wouldn't you like this? Or maybe a little more of this? I mean, you can't really be done shopping even though you've been waiting in line for a few minutes, can you?"

I've tolerated this because it usually doesn't take much to throw their upselling efforts into disarray. But someone got a hold of a new training book because they're getting really annoying.

I go into the bank to deposit my tax refunds, and the teller asks if I have a check card, credit car or if maybe I need a home equity loan. I get fast food, and they want to make it super huge and bigger than the rest. Waitresses at the bar bring me new drinks without me even asking--actually I don't mind that one so much.

Telemarketers from my phone company call and tell me that since I'm such a good customer (I pay my bill every month), I have just won a new cell phone. It's completely free. For a little bit. Y'know, before they start charging me for that, too. But it'll all be on one easy to read bill.

I'm polite to these people most of the time. I know they've got people behind them going, "Sell that bastard a Frosty! You didn't even ask! Maybe he really wants one!"

Well, sometimes I do want a Frosty. And sometimes I do want a bigger meal than the rest. But I know when I want them, I don't need to be reminded or prompted or, to use the parlance of our times, upsold.

I was in one of the big entertainment multiplex consumertoriums buying DVDs for gifts and myself last week. I'd chosen the perfect day to take a long lunch and peruse the aisles of entertainment. I didn't have to be back at the office at any certain time. So I went in with my list and started making a pile in my hand.

I'd only picked up a couple of movies to buy when the guy came by with a clipboard. He knew I had a DVD player because of the items in my hand (and the section I was shopping), so he wanted to sell me a membership in an online DVD rental ponzi scheme. I pay ten or twenty bucks a month, and we exchange DVDs through the mail. If I didn't have this deal with friends of mine who have DVD players (without the ten or twenty bucks a month), it might be tempting. Or if I hadn't spent some time just after getting a DVD renting from my local entertainment rental house and then cursing because someone used the rental DVD as a coaster, well maybe I'd be more receptive.

Seeing as it was early in my shopping experiments, I made my case and sent him on his way, probably cursing his sales assignment for the day.

I eventually picked up seven movies to buy (not all for me, I swear) and went up to the checkout counters. I might have waited five minutes tops to check out, which wasn't really that bad. It's not like I was just yearning to get back to work. When the check out lady saw my stack of movies, she immediately asked if I knew about the special offer.

"Someone already tried to sell me the Netflix thing," I said, with a bit of warning in my voice. Like, I really didn't want to get into whatever she was pushing.

"Oh no, not that. The free movie thing, if you buy this," she said with one finger coming down on a picture of the Pearl Harbor DVD set.

I laughed a bit and then said, "There's no way in hell I'd buy that movie."

This offended my sales clerk lady. Apparently Pearl Harbor is a terrific movie with historical significance. As a matter of fact, some of the events in the movie actually happened. Don't I care about history? Don't I know what historical importance is? You aren't one of those commie/terrorist fanatics, are you?

"Are you patriotic?" she asked after her earlier arguments did nothing to change my mind.

I didn't know what to say to this. I had seven movies I was buying, which I thought was being rather patriotic in itself. I mean, I'm contributing to the economy--I'm just not buying the piece of crap movie that apparently no one else wants to buy because they're basically giving it away for free. "I think there are other ways of being patriotic," I said finally, not sure if it was polite to cold cock a forty-something, overweight and bitchy entertainment store clerk.

"What makes a good movie for you?" she asked. This I had an answer for, even though it's rather general.

"Good writing, good acting, good direction." She looked at me for a few seconds, shut her mouth and stapled my receipt to a pamphlet about how I could pay extra money in case the stuff I bought broke after 30 days and said, "Have a good day" without a smile in sight.

Sometimes there's just no pleasing people.

Matt Worley can only be super-sized certain times of day or year. Offer subject to blackout dates. Please visit his website for more information.