The only Oscar I qualified for this year was "Best Drunk Audience Member Attending A Bad Jack Black Movie." I know a couple others who should have qualified for this category, but none of us were nominated. It's all politics, what can I say?

At first, I thought I'd go through all the categories and technical awards and let you know what I thought of the movies that came out this year, but that's boring. And silly. And a little bit late since tonight are the Oscars and most of you will read this AFTER everything is all over. So I'm just gonna make up my own categories and try to be entertaining about it. Which is more than some movies that came out this year actually did for your $10 a pop.

Best How To Be Really Cool Movie (or the Swingers award): Ocean's Eleven. A bunch of great actors having fun in Las Vegas, playing everyone for a lot of money and getting away with everything. I think I was smiling the entire time. Interestingly enough, I think the last line was the funniest.

Best Popcorn Movie (or the Star Wars award): Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of the Ring (or a Hobbit's initial decent into heroin addiction). This was everything fans of the books wanted and even something for everyone else, too. Some couldn't get into the wizards and ghouls and hairy feet, but those people read Harry Potter. And there's just no accounting for those people. Y'know, I never knew that Hobbits were the potheads of Middle Earth.

Best Movie You Had To See At Least Twice (or the Fight Club award): Memento. Sometimes I can't remember what I did yesterday or earlier in the morning or a few seconds before right now...um, what was I talking about? Oh yeah, you see, I've got this affliction. Oh, I've told you before. What was your name again?

Best Post-High School Personal Apocalypse Movie (or the ...Say Anything award): Ghost World. You graduate, and everyone wants to tell you what to do with your life, but you don't want to do any of that. You just want to hang out with someone twenty-five years older than you and listen to music from the first few decades of the 20th century. Go figure. When does the bus come by?

Best Movie With The Blonde From Ghost World (or the Not Ghost World award): The Man Who Wasn't There. The Coen Brothers do it again. Whatever it is that they do. I know what it is, but I'm not telling you. That's why I like the Coen Brothers. It's like a secret and sometimes people get it, but a lot of the time they just look at you weird. It took people about three years to understand The Big Lebowski.

Best Anti-War Movie (or the Apocalypse Now award): Black Hawk Down. I was so worn out after watching this, I thought I'd been to war. Except there wasn't any blood on my hands. Sometimes it's just too real.

Best Animated Movie (or the Fantasia award): Waking Life. It's a dream. It's life. It's death. It's the trippiest movie I've seen in years. It's much better than Shrek or that monster movie or whatever else you took your kids to.

Best Musical Movie (or the Hard Day's Night award): Moulin Rouge. Obi Wan Kenobi sings his way into Tom Cruise's wife's heart. Cruise cruises, and his wife gets awards for not breaking down at press briefings. All of that aside, this was the most spectacular spectacular spectacle this year.

Best Kirsten Dunst Movie (or the Winona Ryder award): I'm not sure if I saw any of her movies this year, but I'm sure they were wonderful. She's so pretty.

Best Worst Movie (or the Logan's Run award): Josie & The Pussycats. They're so pretty. And they're in a band. That's so cute.

Worst Worst Movie (or the Armageddon award): Orange County. If we hadn't been drunk and making our own jokes up, this would have been even worse. Mark Twain.

There were others, and I'm sure I forgot to mention someone's favorite movie of 2001, but this is my list you freaks. Make your own list, everyone else does. Just as long as A Beautiful Mind doesn't sweep, I'll be fine about it all. Of course, I'll probably be drunk and making jokes. So it shouldn't be that bad. I hope everyone's office pool gives them free lunches for a week.

Matt Worley watches a lot of movies and tries not to bitch about no one spending millions of dollars to make his.