a staged SUIT play by Chris Jungle
Setting: a basic enclosed office room, desk with supplies, awards and photos on the wall, interviewer sits behind the desk. Chris enters and shakes hands with the interviewer.
Interviewer: Hello, Chris. (gestures to the chair) Please have a seat.
Chris: (sits) Thanks.
Interviewer: Yes, well, we've looked over your resume, and I must say I was intrigued to meet you. It really is a varied job history you've had.
Chris: That's true. Sometimes I choose the jobs I get, and sometimes the jobs and circumstances choose me.
Interviewer: That's very well put. So let's get down to it. Why do you want to work for PC Enterprises?
Chris: Well, first off, I need a job. Rent and utilities have to be paid every month, you know.
Interviewer: Yes, of course.
Chris: But my favorite jobs have always been the ones where I was helping people. The homeless shelter, the behavioral center, even cab driving. People need rides. Your company has always been good to the public. You have the pantry, giving away food and clothes to the needy, helping out the less fortunate. I think that's great.
Interviewer: What do you envision yourself doing for PC Enterprises?
Chris: Well, the position I'm applying for is facilities assistant, so I figure I will learn the ropes of all the different services you offer, and hopefully, I can figure out what I excel at. It's hard to say what I'll be good at until I actually work at the place for a little while.
Interviewer: Good point. Well, you are qualified, actually, overqualified for the position. I really don't see anything standing in the way from you getting hired.
Interviewer: I just need to put down what denomination you subscribe to.
Chris: Denomination of what?
Interviewer: It's just for the record, I can assure you. We're really open to all denominations.
Chris: Uh, sorry, but I don't understand. Denomination of what?
Interviewer: Of faith. Are you Catholic, Baptist, Methodist, Presbyterian, Unitarian. What church do you go to?
Chris: Oh, I see. I don't go to church. Not really a Christian. No denomination at all.
Interviewer: No denomination? Um, eh, now I'm afraid I don't understand. You say you don't go to church? What do you do on Sundays?
Chris: I write an Internet column and watch football. I'm a columnist.
Interviewer: (pause) Do you know what the PC stands for?
Chris: Not really. Politically Correct?
Interviewer: Progressive Christian. It's Progressive Christian Enterprises.
Chris: Oh, okay. That makes sense.
Interviewer: But you're not a Christian.
Interviewer: So why would a Communist want to work here?
Chris: Columnist, not Communist. Well, like I said, I need a job, and I like to help people. I think I could be a good worker around here.
Interviewer: (stammering) Yes, well, I'm afraid I must inform you that you will not be hired.
Chris: Just like that? Just because I'm not a Christian?
Interviewer: Yes. As you probably know, President Bush enacted a faith-based initiative that allows businesses to maintain religious preferences in their hiring.
Chris: Yeah, I heard about that. Kind of fascist, isn't it?
Interviewer: Yes, well, ha ha, we do take advantage of this new freedom and only hire Christian employees.
Chris: Oh. Oh, I see. (rises) I guess this isn't the place for me then, is it?
Interviewer: (putting out his hand) Thanks for understanding. You seem to be good guy, and I'm sure you'll end up employed very soon.
Chris: (shaking his hand) Yeah, I was hoping to work in a place like this, but it's okay. I have an interview this afternoon to be a doorman at a titty bar downtown.
Interviewer: That sounds very promising. You're a big guy. You can take care of yourself.
Chris: Exactly. It's still helping people, just in a different way. Well, thanks for taking the time to interview me.
Interviewer: Not at all. The pleasure was mine.
Chris exits. The Interviewer sits down behind desk.
Interviewer: What a nice heathen. (pushes intercom button) Grace? Send in the next applicant please.