Dick: We've got to get on top of this Judicial Watch mess.

Flack: Yes, sir.

D: It's gone far enough. You understand they want to see all the financial records at Halliburton for the years while I was CEO?

F: Isn't Halliburton a publicly traded company?

D: They're complaining I didn't do enough due diligence before our deals.

F: Did you?

D: That's not the point!

F: What is it you want me to say?

D: It's the lawyers's fault. They're the ones who screwed up. It's not my job to pay attention to what the lawyers do.

F: Won't work. The president's already using that excuse. You'll need another one.

D: I told him to use that excuse. It's a goddamn good one. I mean, I was only paid thirty-six million bucks a year. It's not like I got enough to pay attention to the lawyers.

F: Thirty-six million? A year?

D: Something like that. A mere pittance. Barely enough to keep Lynne in latex.

F: By chance, do you happen to know the salary of the lowest-paid Halliburton employee?

D: Hell, we got lots of Mexicans as janitors and such. Probably make minimum wage.

F: Hmm...five-fifteen times forty...carry the two...comes out to a little less than eleven grand a year. But we'll round up, just to be nice.

D: What are you getting at?

F: You made three-thousand, two-hundred seventy two and change times what your lowest paid employee made.

D: That doesn't look good.

F: No, it doesn't.

D: Well, the janitors are probably contracted out to some maid service. After that we've got some secretaries. They probably made twenty grand a year.

F: Okay, so your multiple is down to eighteen hundred.

D: Well, it's better.

F: Relatively.

D: You're right. We can't plead poverty. Even though thirty-six million just isn't worth what it used to be.

F: I'm sure you're right.

D: Okay. Well, screw the salary whining. And we don't need to worry about that due diligence mess. Real Americans have no idea what due diligence is, except that it's something lawyers do, and so it must be bad.

F: The poll numbers on the President's attacks on the trial lawyers have been encouraging.

D: Damned straight. Those liability lawsuits are bringing down capitalism as we know it.

F: I thought the corrupt CEOs were bringing down capitalism.

D: That's just Georgie boy putting on the clown's face for the public. He knows as well as anyone that if the rich get richer, then capitalism is working. And it's not right now. Last time I checked, my portfolio was in the tank.

F: Relatively speaking.

D: Goddamnit, boy, I must have lost twenty million in the market last month.

F: Which leaves you with...

D: I don't need to justify my wealth to you or the American people. Real Americans want to get rich. They see the rich as heroes. The details don't matter. Details are for lawyers. And real Americans hate lawyers.

F: I'm sure you're right.

D: So what are we left with?

F: The accounting issues.

D: Jesus. You know, Amazon has been cooking the books for years, and do you hear anyone screaming at Bezos?

F: Well...

D: I mean really. We've already crucified one accounting firm. That should be enough.

F: You really want me to say that?

D: No. But let's skip that for now. Anything else?

F: In the last month you've spent more time at your undisclosed location than you did in the month after nine-eleven. Some folks think you're acting like you something to hide.

D: Now that's a low blow. All the members of Congress know where I am, and they'd all want to be here as well. The subbasement of the Brickskeller holds the best bottled beer in the world.

F: Not to mention the real ale casks.

D: It'd be a damned shame if some terrorist blew all this fine brew to kingdom come. In fact, it would be a national tragedy. So it's imperative that I stay here and that my location remain a secret.

F: A compelling argument. But it's one that doesn't work unless I reveal your location, which then leaves the Brickskeller open to terrorist attack.

D: That would be bad.

F: I think so.

D: Hmm...what would ol' Dick Nixon do in a situation like this?

F: Write up a list of his enemies, start drinking hard, say nasty things about Jews and then go order a few bombings?

D: Gosh, he was a man of vision, wasn't he?

Jon Worley made copious mention of Dick Cheney's possible misdeeds at Halliburton back in January. His friends laughed at him. Loudly.