Hey there folks. Country Boy Dubya here with an offer you can't refuse!

Recession blues gettin' you down? Lost your job and run out of savings? Don't worry, my friends. All you've got to do is spend more money, and one of these days things will start looking up. Max out those credit cards. Buy another new car. Take out a second mortgage and use the equity in your home to throw a massive party for all of your friends. It don't matter how you spend your money as long as you do it. These days, spendin' money isn't just in your own self-interest; it's patriotic as well. Nothing' greases the skids of an economy in recession like an infusion of cash. Every dead presidents-fearing American has a patriotic duty to go out and burn hard currency. There's no better way to get America moving again.

But that's not all!

Democrats got you down with their talk of deficits? Worried there might not be a big pool of social security money when you retire? Do as the Buddhists do--live in the moment! Don't worry about things that might or might not happen years in the future. Like my Texas buddy Ross Perot, I've got me an example. For every dollar you get back in a tax cut this year, our government is on the hook for more than two dollars in interest over the next thirty years. Now, divide that two dollars by thirty. Not quite seven cents. So you get one dollar--this year--and you'll only be payin' about ten cents a year for that money. Folks, true bargains like these come only under Republican rule.

But wait, there's more!

I know some of my good friends in California are a wee bit concerned about reports that Enron caused the energy crisis of 2001. Well, I'm here to tell you that you can forget it. Enron was just one of many companies that manipulated the market in order to score as much cash as possible out of the state government and its citizens. It's just not fair to blame one massively-corrupt Texas company for the mess. The guys at PG&E, Duke Power and a host of other companies are just as much to blame as anyone who might have worked at Enron. Let's let bygones be bygones and not worry about who gouged who. Rather, we should get down to the bidness of makin' more energy. Whether we drill in Alaska or off the coast of North Carolina don't much matter to me or the many members of my administration with ties to Enron. Now that me and my cronies have made our bucks, I can promise you that we will do what's best for all the people--and not just the tree-huggers--of America.

Not available in stores!

If you thought our tax cut and deficit spending offer was a winner, we've got a deal here you're just not gonna believe. How about the opportunity to take twice as much time attempting to board an airplane without safety being improved one iota? We'll even throw in doughnut-munching. M-16-toting military reserves at no extra cost (well, okay, maybe that'll cost a few million). Nothing says freedom more than an airport filled with longer lines than the Soviet Union ever saw, all watched over by armed bumpkins who hold their guns by the barrels.

It's positively in-sane!

But wait! What if I could offer you all of these deals and sing "God Bless America," all at the same time? That's right! You get personal bankruptcy, exploding deficits, crooked energy policy and reams of paranoia with fake patriotism thrown in, only on this special TV offer. I'm feeling so good I'll even through in a South American coup at no extra charge. Folks, it's never been a better time to be an American, what with all these accomplishments we can all be so proud of! So come on down to Country Boy Dubya's, where we're always ' for few more fools to fleece.

Jon Worley would like to stress that just because he really did see an armed reservist munching doughnuts and carrying his rifle by the barrel at the Raleigh-Durham International Airport, he's not implying that every armed reservist at every airport eats doughnuts and carries his or her rifle by the barrel.