Well, the votes are in, the statues handed out and the parties partied. Unlike last year, where three movies split the big prizes, this year a much more conventional piece of studio product took home the hardware. Ah well. For some reason, Oscar voters love the crazy people. Must be something in the "artistic temperament" or something.

While watching the broadcast (and dancing around with my son Max, who liked the spectacle so much he pretty well screamed all the way through it), a few questions strayed into my mind. I found the answers, and I'm happy to present them here as a public service.

Have African-Americans ever won the two major acting awards in the same year?

Are you kidding?

Who was that tasty dude sitting next to Ian McKellan?

His sweet young thing--and let me say, it's about time we saw some manly hand-holding on live TV.

Is Gwyneth Paltrow a babe?

Yes, but you'd never know by what she wears to the Oscars. A transparent tanktop and a flouncy skirt? Come on, girl, even Isaac Mizrahi wouldn't do you that cold.

Was Halle Berry's teary freakout an act?

No.

Was Woody Allen's stumbling, stuttering intro to the tribute to New York an act?

Yes--and a damned funny one at that.

Who was the distinguished gentleman at the back of Sidney Poitier's box?

Robert Guillaime, looking quite healthy indeed.

Which movie got screwed worst: Lord of the Rings, Iris, In the Bedroom or Black Hawk Down?

Memento. Best picture of the year, hands down.

Does picking up an award for Best Sound Editing mean that Pearl Harbor can now proclaim itself "The Oscar-winning Pearl Harbor?"

Unfortunately, yes.

Was that really Easy Rider footage in a Diet Pepsi ad?

I don't want to talk about it.

Who's cooler, Denzel or Sidney?

You make the call.

And what about Robert Redford?

See above.

Could John Williams have worked another of his scores into that tribute to great movie music he arranged?

Well, I don't think he included the theme from 1941.

Why did Halle Berry thank her lawyers?

She still has a driver's license.

And what about her thanking Warren Beatty?

If you haven't seen Bulworth yet, then you're a fool.

A few observations...

Weirdest name of a person thanked in an acceptance speech:

Peregrine, the son of some winner (I'm afraid I can't remember who right at this moment).

To Whoopi or not to Whoopi?

To.

Best line:

"Is my life good or what?" Julia Roberts right after confessing glee in kissing Sidney Poitier and right before announcing Denzel Washington as Best Actor.

Best joke:

"Until tonight I thought Monsters Inc. was a documentary on the Weinsteins." Nathan Lane.

Best sight gag:

Whoopi Goldberg tying a loincloth on Oscar, informing the audience that John Ashcroft told her the naked golden man was "distracting" him.

One final Q...

Will I watch next year's show?

Yes, if there's enough beer.

Jon Worley has found network television to be much more interesting since the birth of his son last month.