He looks way too old to be wearing a Riddler jacket while walking the Mall in D.C., but there he is: Matthew Lesko, king of the bizarro late-night TV ads. Lesko does what few of us have the patience to do: Scour government regulations looking for all the obscure and not to obscure programs that give away, as he calls it, "free money."

He wants forty bucks or some such silly amount for his book. Most of the time, I'm not tempted by his shilling. After all, I'm not a money-grubbing whore. And I'm just not reassured by his notion that we should all get what's coming to us. I really don't like that mentality.

Most of the time.

Last Friday I went down to the ol' Durham County branch of the North Carolina Employment Security Commission to file for my unemployment extension, recently passed by Congress and signed in law by the Prez. I knew that I originally filed for unemployment on March 15, 2001, barely scraping into the time allowed. And so I patiently sat in the office and waited for my session with the extended benefits guru.

At 11:30 (well, a couple minutes after that, but who's counting?), four of us trooped into the very same conference room where I'd endured four "job club" sessions last spring as part of my unemployment program. We were all happy to be eligible for some extra cash. One of the folks talked about how shocked she was that "that nasty man Bush" actually signed the bill. The other woman in the group maintained that Bush didn't approve the extension, but that "Jesus signed it."

Bush, Jesus, I didn't really care. I was out for what was mine. After all, I've got a kid to feed (indirectly, at least).

Our friend Ken led us through the process. He handed us forms to fill out. We were ready. Each of us had either downloaded the form off the web or received a letter which also contained the form. We handed in our pre-completed TEUC-1s even before he could throw pens our way. He then explained that the North Carolina ESC computer system wasn't quite ready for this influx of federal money (must be a states' rights issue or something), and that we might have to wait two or three weeks for our first check. Then he handed out the job search forms (we have to apply to at least two jobs per week and list them on the form) and casually mentioned that when our benefits year ended we would have to file a new claim and go back on state unemployment until that claim was exhausted before returning to the extension.

Just as casually, I mentioned that my benefit year had just ended, as I filed for unemployment exactly one year previously. His eyes bugged out a bit before he suggested that I hang out with him after our group gig was finished.

So I did. He blessed the other folks ("Go forth and find jobs so the state doesn't run out of unemployment money," performed with all the flourish and panache of a bishop half-loaded on communion wine) and then we wandered back to his desk. He took my info and punched it into the computer. "Looks like you have 14 weeks coming," he said. "The printout will tell us for sure."

I have 16 weeks of regular unemployment coming my way. This despite having exhausted my benefits last year. There's a reason for this, I'm sure, but I don't know what it is. I was about to thank Ken in a most personal fashion for this largesse when a nasty, greedy little thought occurred to me: Do I still get the extension after my newfound 16 weeks of cash run out?

Ken didn't know. He talked to his supervisor. She didn't know. She talked to her supervisor. He said "definitely maybe." I do qualify for the extension, but the state and the feds apparently haven't quite parsed out how to make the two different systems work or precisely what counts as what. Whatever. I have cash coming my way. I walked into the office hoping for 13 weeks of unemployment money and left with a sentence of 16-29 weeks. Matthew Lesko would be proud.

Thing is, I would never have gone into the local ESC office if it weren't for the extension. Those 16 weeks would have passed by the wayside, just sitting the state's unemployment fund. I'm not a money-grubbing whore, but Max is causing us to run the washer once a day, which is no mean amount of water and electricity. This isn't to mention the cost of clothing the guy or buying necessities like curtains that match his crib decor. Any cash help from any quarter is most welcome.

Funny thing is, the extension is a bonus. I was always eligible for the 16 weeks, and I didn't know it. That money was going to rot in the state's unemployment trust fund, an account that is about to go broke. They weren't going to tell me to re-file and claim my cash. More idiots like me, more money stays in the fund and they don't have to raise the unemployment tax on employers.

So today's lesson is: Always re-file for unemployment at the beginning of a new benefit year whether you think you've got anything coming your way or not. Next week I'll be discussing the 401k tax credit, which goes into effect this year (for the April 2003 tax return). Of course, to take advantage of that, I'll have to get a job. Hmmmm...

Jon Worley is a money-grubbing whore.