A few months ago, a disastrous event occurred. Shaking my world to the core, compromising my values and generally causing havoc and drama to erupt from almost every corner of my life.

Y'know, I met this girl.

Walls collapsed, cars crashed and, in the dark one night, I accidentally put her jeans on instead of mine. They were a little short, and my shins were exposed.

There were all these little things that ran through my head constantly. Stupid stuff that I usually was able to push deep down into the dark depths of my mind suddenly wouldn't go away. I found myself smiling for no reason. Sometimes concentrating on the task at hand was hard--if the task didn't involve the exhuming of her body from her clothes.

Oh yeah, there is a lesson here. There is a moral. I know this one might get all convoluted and hard to understand, but there is something I'm trying to impart to the world. I'll get to it in a minute.

Staring into her eyes, two inches away, noses bumping, mouths twitching, wanting, but staying away for just a minute, blurred because eyes can't focus that close, still staring, still wanting, but waiting. Because, sometimes it's all about the anticipation.

Maybe I'm being a little specific here. Maybe this is really only my lesson, and everyone else can blow. I don't know, this is just what I take from it.

Ask me now. Ask me if I'd do it again if I knew what would happen. If I totally and truly knew that everything good and true would turn into lies and the shadow riders from Lord of the Rings, would I do it again? Would I, knowing what I know now, jump into the abyss--again?

Yeah. Sorry. Can't help it.

I thought about spending billions of dollars to construct a love shield. Something that would protect me from the crazy bitches (fuck you Eminem, get outta my head!) who come at me from everywhere. They smile, like they have something they want to give you. Maybe a piece of candy. Maybe some cookies. Maybe shake n' bake chicken and some wine. We need something to protect me from this kind of treatment. We can't let this kind of thing happen again. This aggression will not stand.

Tests have been run, but the shield seems to be ineffective at best. Sometimes the missiles hit and they walk away shaking their head, wondering what just hit them. But sometimes the missiles miss and the bogies get closer. They grab your hand, push their body into you, stare into your eyes and make up silly nicknames you'll have to dispose of later when its all over. Nothing we can build will stop this. Nothing is strong and impenetrable enough to keep them away. Nothing will protect us from ourselves.

Luckily, I am living in a country with one king and no subjects. Every once in a while, there are visitors to my great nation, but they have no vote. Everything is subject to my approval, and fuck everyone else.

Of course, I also live in the U.S. And it is usually a democracy. But sometimes our representatives don't really understand what is good for us, just what is good for them to look like really nice people who care. Security is the keyword this year. And, just to make us all feel better about doing all the stupid stuff we do day in and day out, they want to build a missile shield to protect us from... protect us from... who is it that we're protecting ourselves from?

It's not the people who flew commercial airplanes into skyscrapers. The missile shield won't help there. Or parking a U-Haul filled with explosives in front of a building. Nope. Or carrying a small nuclear device in a briefcase. Or bringing in little pieces of a bomb into the country and assembling it here. There are only a few countries that have workable intercontinental cruise missiles with nuclear warheads attached. And we've slept with them already.

Oh yeah, we've actually slept with every nation and tribe in the world. And now we're trying to protect ourselves from the crazy bitches we slept with ruthlessly and then threw out in the wind to dry. Didn't you realize they'd be a little bit pissed?

I guess sometimes we never learn.

Matt Worley is available covered in plastic wrap, with various attachments, super-terrific kung-fu movements and neurotic thoughts included.