Even President Clinton's enemies followed the "hands off Chelsea" rule for eight years. Now, it's time for us Lefties to leave President Bush's daughter Jenna alone. Hell, I like Jenna better than her father anyway, Jenna still knows how to party. The press should agree to only write pro-Jenna articles, or even better, use Jenna to attack her father's hypocrisy.

That a 19-year-old at UT Austin keeps trying to get her hands on alcohol should come as no surprise to anybody. Though a fine academic facility, the 50,000 student UT Austin campus is, well, a party school. That Jenna wants to party is a given.

What she needs is some advice.

You're the president's daughter, dear, you're high profile. So fake IDs aren't going to do the trick, that means no bars or clubs unless they're owned by trusted friends until you're twenty one. It's far safer for you to make some older friends who will buy your booze for you. Then, only drink it in private areas, your apartment or a friend's pad or at gatherings unlikely to spark police invasions. Sorry, but the big old frat parties aren't the right place for you. Make friends with freaks who wear black and want to take bong hits while drinking beers in a nice living room with art on the walls and David Foster Wallace books on the coffee table. If you're going to get blitzed, stay over or party form where you can walk home. Because the cops are out to get you.

Look, I was never in the public eye but I still played the under-age drinking and drugging during college with a certain amount of modesty. Pretty soon, Jenna, it won't be a crime to get raging wasted so long as you don't drive. You see Jenna, as long as you're not hurting anybody, you're not doing anything wrong, no matter what the law says.

What you need to do is convince your daddy of that fact. You probably know better than the rest of us what a hypocrite the old man is. He drank more than you'll ever drink, but you're under the threat of his "three strikes and your out" legislation against juvenile drinking.

But, we all doubt Jenna will go to jail (her first offense was when she was a minor so a judge might disregard it). Besides, the real issue is how unfair Bush's laws are. Bush puffed reefers and snorted coke, but if Jenna ever turns on some Steely Dan and chase the dragon, well, she'd better not get caught because your Daddy doesn't tolerate chemical experimentation.

Michael Maiello would make a lousy son to a President, but he's done all right by his own folks.