With the bird cooked and Cowboys and Lions proving their futility, everyone shifted to the second stage of Thanksgiving--consumerism. My newspaper consisted of an eighth of an inch worth of news and two inches of ads. Here's what I learned while supplies lasted:

72-hour Sale at Walgreens! Friday, Saturday, Sunday Sale at Cost Plus! 5-hour specials at Best Buy, Ultimate Electronics, Circuit City and Radio Shack (7 a.m. to noon)! Big Thanksgiving Weekend Sale at Sears! Lowest Holiday Prices at Target! 2 for 1 Sale at Mervyns! Early Bird Specials! Doorbusters! Free Gifts! Crap! More Crap! Most Crap!

Everything that cost entirely too much during the rest of the year now actually becomes reasonable. Those Roller Sneakers at Sears that used to cost $49.99 are now only $24.99. They are still as dumb an idea as they have always been, but now they cost half as much. This reminds me of when I go to the grocery store, and they tell me how much I saved by having their little plastic card. The truth is that I didn't save anything. It's just that everyone without the special plastic card is getting screwed.

Home Depot explains in their holiday ad that "because of their tremendous buying power, we are able to get great prices on great products and pass those savings on to you. When you see this symbol (a hammerhead driving down into a nail) next to a product you'll know its everyday low price is now even lower." Their hammerhead buys include a $17 coffee maker and a staple gun for $10.97. That's a fine selection with that tremendous buying power.

Take an extra 30% to 50% off our everyday low prices and exciting special values! This is a nice way of saying "We couldn't sell this stuff to you for the inflated retail prices, so we're going to give 300 minutes to let you buy things at a more reasonable rate."

Get up early! Stay out late! Hurry in now and you can buy the InsectoBots at Radio Shack for $12 each! These clever robotic creatures respond and move to light, touch, sound, even each other. Each has its own personality with flashing lights, sounds, moving arms and legs. Collect 'em all.

As tempting as the concept of collecting 'em all sounds, most of this stuff is a bunch of crap no one really wants. This is the danger of the whole holiday season. We are buying stuff for people other than ourselves. While most of us would never dream of buying the George Forman Grill for our own household, maybe that sort-of friend will appreciate the nonstick grooves that channel away fat for leaner cooking. Its compact size grills two burgers. I only wanted to spend $15.99 on that friend anyway.

But what about the deals? You can get the car of your dreams with 0% APR up to 60 months (*) or up to $7500 off!!(*) I looked at the tiny print and found out what the (*) meant. It states "The $7500 off applies to G1163. 0% APR requires 10% cash down of purchase price & must qualify for "A PLUS" tier thru Chrysler financial. Applies to in stock units only. Vehicles subject to prior sale. $400 college grad rebate applies to discounts. Discounts in lieu of 0% financing. Some restrictions apply." In other words, everything the car dealers advertise is false.

I know this is the beginning of the season of giving, but we should be careful with how and what we are giving. If you would never buy it for yourself or have never seen the person remotely interested in what you are considering to get them, you probably shouldn't buy it. Otherwise, everyone is going to end up with roller sneakers that never get used.

Chris Jungle slept through the doorbusting sales.