The radio alarm was my first indication that something was wrong. DJ's went on about the local air force base being in lock down. I shut it off, put on some clothes, and popped on the television. The World Trade Center smoked in the aftermath of two hijacked airline jets crashed into its massively tall frames. Along with two other planes, one hitting the Pentagon and one crashing before reaching any specific target, the most devastating terrorist attack on the United States was complete. Along with much of the rest of the nation, I haven't felt well since.

Anger, depression, helplessness, contemplation, mournfulness, hollowness, and distant thoughtless moments. As citizens rushed to give blood and money in an attempt to help, I realized I had nothing worth giving. I have been deferred from giving blood for a year because I left the country earlier in the year. I work a part time job and make just enough money to get by. I have nothing that the government wants, so my duty is to keep out of the way, stay calm, and return to my normal way of life. Unfortunately, the normal way of life is the one thing I don't want to do.

I've listened to all kinds of people about their feelings. I've heard the gung-ho responses of not letting these terrorist bastards ruin our days. I've heard the doves explain how a response of violence only begets more violence. I've watched the TV for a few minutes a time to see if their are any updates, but nothing anyone says sounded right. "We need to bomb these terrorists back to their creator." Who? "We need to send a message that we will not tolerate such attacks on our sovereignty." Where and how?

There are allusions to Pearl Harbor, which in some ways is correct and some ways way off base. This was a blind, devastating attack on American soil, but what is the conflict? There is no nation behind this and no established conflict to pick a side. So we have declared WAR! We will comb the earth for terrorists. We will get bin Laden and feed him to the wolves. We will get the support of every major government in the world. None of it will make me feel better.

Some people have used this incident to promote their own politics and schemes. Anti-Bush people have told me about how our policies toward the Middle East caused this. Anti-immigrant people claim we need to keep a bigger leash on who we allow in this country. We need more safety, we need more security, we need more defense. I haven't been able to engage in these debates with any sort of fervor. I have dismissed practically everything and everyone. I still can't get past the act itself.

For all of my faults, I consider myself a moral person, and this was an immoral act. There is no belief, no religion, no transaction committed against any specific person that condones smashing airplanes full of innocent people into buildings full of more innocent people.

I'm still going through my days in a daze. I'm staying out of the way as much as I can. I don't have anything powerful to say or do. I'm an American citizen living in the high desert of New Mexico, and I'm doing my best to be patient as I wait for the Who, How, and Why questions to be answered. They may never be completely answered.

I'm sure I will gather my bearings in the coming days and be able to comment rationally and critically about what has occurred and what will happen in the coming weeks and months because of this incident. Time heals and dulls the foul emotions better than any drug on the planet. Nevertheless, this event has changed the world we live in and will be remembered for days far beyond mine on this Earth.

The distractions will return next week, and everyone will continue their efforts to get back to the normal routine. That troubles me as much as everything else because this incident has taught me that what I normally do doesn't matter so much when the inconceivable moments occur.

Chris Jungle is his own therapist.