Under the new U.S. Food and Drug Administration regulation, all egg cartons will come with Safe Handling Instructions--To prevent illness from bacteria: keep eggs refrigerated, cook eggs until yolks are firm, and cook food containing eggs thoroughly. The FDA has concluded that it is not safe to eat sunny-side up or over easy eggs due to the possible presence of salmonella. That's right, even eggs are unsafe nowadays.

Everywhere I go, I'm being inundated with the message of safety. Buckle up, it's the law. Think when you drink. Isn't it time for new tires on your car? Strap on a helmet when you ride your bike. Put on knee pads, elbow pads, shoulder pads and neck stabilizer when you go skateboarding. Wear bright colored clothing when walking at night. Bring along a cell phone to call in every emergency. Car alarms, detachable faces on stereos, daytime headlights, plastic frames so supermarket carts will bounce off harmlessly. Is everybody safe yet?

Everything we consume can kill us. Too much salt, too little salt. Booze and cigarettes are legal for adults but killers for kids. Sweets make us fat, clog our arteries and kill us. Sex involves a written history of partners, wrapping ourselves in rubber and awholatta trust (I can almost feel the orgasm, honey!). Unprotected sex is only allowed for married couples, and just for irony, marriage leads to domestic disputes. The coffee at McDonald's is too hot, the chicken at KFC isn't chicken, and Taco Bell uses corn by-product for its taco shells. Still, we find a way to trudge on.

Our nation isn't safe. What if a terrorist sits in a row boat in international waters and fires off the nuclear warhead he bought on the black market? What then? We're not safe! We need an anti-ballistic defense system to protect us from enemies. Who are our enemies? We don't know, but we know they're out there. Let's dump billions of dollars in hopes of stopping the bomb in the row boat.

This illusion of safety is getting out of control. I ride my bike rather often during the warm months, and non-bike riders always caution me to watch out for traffic. Really? That never would have occurred to me. I go hiking in the mountains all by myself, and non-hikers warn that I should always hike with someone else. I might twist my ankle. They think that if they remind me to be safe, it will somehow keep me safe.

The truth is that we are not safe. We will never be safe, and this is a good thing. I learn far more from my failures than I do from a safe non-event. I meet far too many who are afraid to do anything outside their safe little existence. They never experiencing anything that might affect them in an adverse way. They think they're safe, but in truth, they are just boring.

There's no Manifest Destiny, there is no predetermined plan, there is no Utopia. A friend of mine recently had a violent reaction to a black-market muscle relaxant and had to go to the emergency room. I knew his drug habit had been getting out of hand lately. Hanging around alley cats, crack dens and whores. All I would tell him when he relayed a bevy of harrowing moments was "What do you think that means?" I didn't spout off a surgeon general's warning, chastising his decisions. I'm nobody's mother. I'm the friend of a few people. I can comment what I think should be done, but I'm not going to hold anyone's hand and tell them it's all going to be okay. The trip to the emergency room was the moment my friend needed to realize his situation, and he is now moving on to his next phase of life. More than likely, it will be just as dangerous, and I'll still hang out with him.

Life isn't safe. I had a grandmother die of cancer in her sixties. I had a grandfather who died in a car wreck in his eighties. Hemingway killed himself. John Lennon was murdered. James Dean crashed his car at high speed. Abraham Lincoln didn't know what hit him. If only they had lived safer lives...

To muddle some random reference in my brain--everyone dies, but not everyone truly lives. How do you want your eggs?

Chris Jungle should not be read while operating heavy machinery.