Mr. Military Judge: Jon Worley, you are hereby charged with something very, very bad. How do you plead?

Me: How can I plead to unspecified charges?

MMJ: That's not my problem. How do you plead?

Me: What about my lawyer?

MMJ: No lawyer. But you are being represented by military advocate.

Me: Who reports to you.

MMJ: Yes.

Me: How is that fair?

MMJ: No more questions. How do you plead?

Me: Not guilty, I guess.

MMJ: The accused has entered a plea of not guilty. The two other judges and I will review the evidence.

Me: Don't I get to see it?

MMJ: It's classified.

Me: So?

MMJ: So you don't get to see the evidence. Trust us. You've done very bad things. My goodness. You've done some very, very bad things.

Me: But that's convicting me without a trial.

MMJ: What do you think this is? Well, anyway, we've gone over the evidence and we think you're very, very guilty.

Me: Of what?

MMJ: Very, very bad things. The specifics don't matter.

Me: I think they matter to me.

MMJ: They shouldn't. We're sentencing you to death.

Me: Where do I appeal?

MMJ: To us.

Me: The same people who just found me guilty?

MMJ: That's right.

Me: Are you sure this is the United States? I mean, this seems a lot more like China or something.

MMJ: Now you're insulting us. We're American. We do things fair. By the book.

Me: But not by the constitution.

MMJ: Who cares? The vice-president said we should do things this way. Terrorists don't deserve constitutional protection.

Me: The vice president said? What about the president?

MMJ: He signed off on it. He always signs off on what the vice-president says.

Me: And what's this about not deserving constitutional protection? It sounds like you convicted me before seeing the evidence.

MMJ: What if we did? You can't do anything about it.

Me: I'd like to appeal.

MMJ: Alright. We've heard your appeal. And rejected it by a three to nothing vote. Sorry kid, it's time for you to go to the gallows pole.

Me: Just like that? No due process?

MMJ: You haven't been listening. We've got a national emergency going on here. Don't have time for due process. Got to kill as many terrorists as possible.

Me: But I'm not a terrorist.

MMJ: We've got loads of evidence that says you are.

Me: What evidence?

MMJ: We can't show you.

Me: We've been through this before, haven't we?

MMJ: Yes, we have. And you're getting a bit annoying. So I think we'd better slot you for an execution in the next hour.

Me: Bummer.

MMJ: Do you have anything else to tell the court?

Me: Will you at least tell me what I did since I'm gonna be executed straight away?

MMJ: No.

Me: Pretty please?

MMJ: No. I've seen what you did, and your crimes are so heinous that you don't deserve to know what they are.

Me: I guess that makes sense.

MMJ: We know what's best for you. And it's best that you don't know. Any last words?

Me: I die regretting that I have but one life to give for the defense of my country.

MMJ: Enough of your unamerican invective.

Me: How about give me liberty or give me death?

MMJ: That's the spirit! Now, is your neck a 15 or a 15 1/2?

Jon Worley gets a little testy when presidents of any stripe find it convenient to limit civil liberties.