9:00 a.m. Wake up
9:01 a.m. Fall back asleep
10:00 a.m. Wake up
10:05 a.m. Get out of bed
10:06 a.m. Open first beer of the day
10:09 a.m. Brush teeth
10:10 a.m. Walk down to the convenience store
10:20 a.m. Buy newspaper
10:21 a.m. Scream at Royals box score
10:30 a.m. Fix breakfast (cereal, bagel, previously-opened beer)
10:39 a.m. Slide dishes into dishwasher
10:45 a.m. Change into swimsuit
10:53 a.m. Grab body board and head to the beach for morning session
10:56 a.m. Curse the morning waves which always seem to suck
10:59 a.m. Get stomped by an impressive (and underestimated) wave
11:07 a.m. Catch first good wave of the day
11:11 a.m. Run over some four-year-old who wasn't fast enough to jump out of the way
11:12 a.m. Give the finger to parent of said four-year -old
11:17 a.m. Catch second good wave of the day
11:23 a.m. Kick something swimming along the sand; remember the shark caught at the pier two days before
11:24 a.m. Decide the best way to keep sharks at bay is to void bladder
11:38 a.m. Catch third good wave of the day
11:47 a.m. Get thirsty; begin looking for last good wave of the morning
11:53 a.m. Catch last good wave of the morning
11:54 a.m. Grab towel and head back to the house
11:58 a.m. Take quick (no shampoo) shower
12:06 p.m. Towel off and hang swimsuit on the line
12:08 p.m. Get dressed and hang up towel
12:10 p.m. Pour second beer of the day
12:11 p.m. Fix lunch (Krispy Kreme glazed, "cajun" brat, beer)
12:26 p.m. Pour third beer of the day
12:28 p.m. Settle into chair on sundeck, resume reading Daniel Yergin's Shattered Peace (a sprightly accounting of the origins of the cold war and the national security state)
12:33 p.m. Nod off
2:06 p.m. Wake up and stare dry-mouthed at flaming red chest, arms and thighs
2:07 p.m. Empty out half-bottle of aloe vera in futile attempt to forestall ugly burning
2:09 p.m. Give up; pour fourth beer of the day
2:17 p.m. Discover the vapidity of daytime television
2:18 p.m. Become transfixed by some young thing in a bikini on MTV
2:28 p.m. Receive painful whack to the groin from wife after she notices the drool spilling into lap
2:31 p.m. Turn channel back to MTV after wife heads off to the beach in a huff
2:38 p.m. Pour fifth beer of the day
2:41 p.m. Fantasize excessively about a long, fulfilling relationship with the naked chef
2:58 p.m. Give up on the naked chef and instead rip open a bag of Chili Cheese Fritos
3:04 p.m. Realize that Fritos are not a proper meal
3:05 p.m. Pour sixth beer of the day
4:01 p.m. Change the channel to INSP to watch Discovery Jones and Rusty the Praying Squirrel
4:28 p.m. Almost succumb to the first altar call of the program
4:29 p.m. Pour seventh beer of the day
4:57 p.m. Howl uncontrollably after Rusty proclaims that "God loves ya bunches!"
4:59 p.m. Put on swimsuit
5:01 p.m. Head out to the beach for afternoon session
5:05 p.m. Remember how much better the waves are when the tide is coming in
5:09 p.m. Curse the strangely clams seas
5:10 p.m. Experience the wonders of Bekki's "We Don't Have to Take Our Clothes Off!" wave dance
5:11 p.m. Marvel at the effect Jermaine Stewart's wisdom has on the character of the waves
5:12 p.m. Catch the first good wave of the afternoon
5:13 p.m. Catch the second good wave of the afternoon
5:14 p.m. Catch the third good wave of the afternoon
6:38 p.m. Ride the twenty-ninth good wave of the afternoon all the way into shore
6:40 p.m. Begin building a sand monument to the brilliance of Close Encounters of the Third Kind
6:43 p.m. Watch as incoming tide wipes out Devil's Mountain replica
6:46 p.m. Encase entire body in wet sand and attack wife
6:47 p.m. Receive second painful shot to the groin of the day
6:50 p.m. Stumble back to house
6:54 p.m. Take long and meaningful shower (complete with shampoo and conditioner)
7:13 p.m. Hang up suit and towel
7:14 p.m. Pour eighth beer of the day
7:15 p.m. Light grill filled with fine Food Lion charcoal
7:17 p.m. Throw together burgers using secret recipe
7:25 p.m. Light grill filled with fine Food Lion charcoal
7:26 p.m. Clean and prepare corn for the grill
7:33 p.m. Light grill filled with fine Food Lion charcoal
7:35 p.m. Clean grill
7:40 p.m. Stir up vaguely-burning coals
7:47 p.m. Listen to Chris as he curses the Cleveland Indians' pitching staff
7:54 p.m. Pour ninth beer of the day
7:56 p.m. Throw smoking chips on the coals
7:57 p.m. Throw burgers and corn on the grill
7:58 p.m. Listen to Brandon as he curses the Chicago Cubs' bats
8:12 p.m. Flip burgers
8:22 p.m. Pour tenth beer of the day
8:26 p.m. Flip burgers; add cheese
8:31 p.m. Serve burgers; eat dinner (burgers, corn, salad, beer)
9:05 p.m. Pour first bourbon of the evening
9:13 p.m. Adjourn to the rooftop deck after viewing in-progress Royals score
9:47 p.m. Pour second bourbon of the evening
11:59 p.m. Try to remember anything that happened during the previous two hours; fail
12:01 a.m. Decide that bed might be a good idea
12:39 a.m. Realize that bed is not the answer
12:41 a.m. Head out to the beach
12:49 a.m. Try to identify a constellation other than the Big Dipper or Orion
12:51 a.m. Give up on astronomy for the evening
12:56 a.m. Have a deep discussion with a soft-shell crab
1:17 a.m. Return to the house
1:20 a.m. Pour third bourbon of the evening
1:22 a.m. Settle down in comfy chair and resume reading Shattered Peace
1:29 a.m. Fall asleep
3:39 a.m. Climb out of comfy chair and shuffle off to bed
3:40 a.m. Fall asleep

Given even the slightest chance, Jon Worley would gladly live every day of his life this way