Dear beer guy:

The other day, I was visiting an old frat buddy of mine. He switched on some arena football, padded over to his fridge and grabbed some brews, tossing me a can of Icehouse. Without thinking, I cranked it open and slammed the whole thing home. As the inevitable rancid belch cleared my mouth, I suddenly seized up. What would Michael Jackson think? Are my credentials as a "superior beer snob" subject to revocation?

Sincerely sorry in Madison

Dear Sorry:

Michael Jackson would call you a rude, obnoxious, malodorous twit. But then, he's lucky enough to be able to keep a selection of fine Belgian white casks in his cellar. You, on the other hand, have to make do with whatever is at hand. In your case, Icehouse.

Icehouse is a great beer for chugging. Yes, true beer snobs may claim that slamming brews defiles the fine art of brewing, but come on. There's no good reason to sit around and "appreciate" the bland taste and high carbonation of any "macrobrew." Might as well slam 'em and get right to the buzz.

As for your credentials, well, I won't tell if you won't.

Hey beer guy:

It gets real hot here in Chicago in the summertime. As you know, it's pretty near impossible to find a bar around here that doesn't serve Old Style, so I grew up identifying that smooth yet tasteless brew with cooling off after a long, hard day of sunning on the Lake Michigan shore. Might you have any suggestions for improving my palate?

No Style in Chi-Town

Dear No Style:

One of my favorite bands, the Queers, sings a song about touring and beer called "I Only Drink Bud." There's no accounting for taste. But in any case, there is an appropriate line for your situation:

People in Chicago always brag about Old Style
Before I drink that swill again it's gonna be a while

See that second line? Learn it. Love it. Live it.

One of my worst drunks was punctuated by a six-pack of Old Style. The evening began with a series of margaritas and about half a fifth of Malibu coconut-flavored rum, so in all fairness the beer was probably not the sole culprit behind the worst three-day hangover of my life. Still, I never touched the stuff again, despite its appealing buck a six-pack price.

You want alternatives? One of the finest beers for cooling off is Sierra Nevada Pale Ale. It's got a hell of a hop bite and a body that's not too heavy. If you want a little more hop (and a good deal more body), you might try Bell's Amber Ale (my favorite beer in the world), which is available in many Windy City bars. This is not a beer for quaffing while sweaty, but if you're out on the town and want to chill, it'll do.

On the other hand, my all-time favorite summer beers are wheat beers. Real wheat beers, the stuff that smells funny (a--female--friend of mine once referred to the hefeweizen I grabbed at a Harrisburg brewpub as "douche beer"). Weihenstephan has a number of different wheat beers, and they're all good. As for American brews, North Coast puts out Blue Star, which is a world-class wheat ale. Under no circumstance should you think that the Pyramid or Red Hook hefeweizens are in any way representative of a good wheat beer. They are, however, better than Old Style. Sometimes you have to take what you can get.

Dear Mr. Beer Guy Sir:

My brother is getting married in August. He plans to serve Busch (and no other beer) at his reception. What can I do?

Ashamed in Altoona

Dear Ashamed:

I see two options. First, you might consider hallucinogenic drugs. Weddings are usually fairly surreal events, and you might as well ride the wave. Otherwise, you'll simply have to bring your own entertainment, whether in a hip flask or stashed away in a safe place (say, your car or hotel room).

Under no circumstances should you consider drinking Busch. In a worst-case scenario, you'll just have to remain sober for the entire blessed occasion.

The sacrifices we make to keep peace in the family...

Jon Worley has been known to drink beer on occasion.