I had the pleasure of attending a "water park" this weekend (in particular, the Wet 'N' Wild Emerald Pointe in Greensboro, N.C.), and in the process I anecdotally confirmed something that doctors have been saying for years: Americans are fat.

I'm not talking about the massive, elephant-like folks who invariably can't find a swimsuit even hear their size. Most of those people have glandular problems and, quite honestly, can't help being grossly overweight. No, what I'm talking about are the thirty-year-olds with a couple spare tires ringing their bellies. For that matter, I'm also talking about the fifteen-year-olds shaped like beer kegs.

As a nation, we're fat. Those of you who happen to be history buffs will note, correctly, that throughout history being fat has been the exclusive province of the rich and powerful. That a man with a thin wife was considered unsuccessful. That a thin man, for that matter, couldn't be trusted. He was, as they say, on the make. Still seeking his fortune.

So it makes sense that Americans, as a rule, are fat. And happy. After all, we're numero uno. Number one. Top of the heap. There isn't a richer or more powerful country in the world. And even the poorest Americans have better lives than the majority of people living anywhere else in the world.

What does it mean to be king of the mountain?

First, it defines our politics. Folks in other countries, as a rule, (this includes all but the most reactionary conservatives) think that America's agenda is so far to the right we might as well be shaking hands with Hitler. We're jingoistic to an extreme, and we stomp around the Earth carrying just about every big stick we can find. If someone doesn't like it, tough.

So we're a conservative nation. This makes plenty of sense. After all, if it worked to get us where we are, why change? Do you think that Florida State football coach Bobby Bowden will suddenly decide to quit recruiting speedy backs or linemen who eat ten steaks for breakfast? Hell no. He wants another national championship. Do you think Aerosmith will jettison its team of song doctors and start recording good albums again? Not as long as the gravy train keeps flowing.

We produce more food than any other country on earth. We eat more food (per capita, though we're pretty close on the absolute scale as well) than any other nation around. We consume about a quarter of the energy produced each day on the planet. Think about that. We've got less than five percent of the Earth's population, but we suck down 25 percent of the juice. Goddamn right were fat.

And, generally, we're happy. There's always lots of TV to watch, and if that gets dull there's always the wonder of the Internet, video games, movies (theater, video or DVD), music (live, tape, CD, vinyl or even 8-track), books (or magazines, newspapers, etc.) and if all else fails, there's good ol' human interaction. Everything from chatting to, well, more personal forms of intercourse.

Jobs? We do 'em . Or we don't. We muddle by, not paying a whole lot of attention to what goes on outside our windows. Global warming? Turn up the AC. Bad water? Buy it by the jug or clamp on another filter. Crime and other nastiness? Move into a lockdown community. Presidential election? Who cares as long as the lights stay on.

America's stunning success in the last century has fueled the apathy we now face. There's no real comparison to previous empires. Oh, some like to use Rome as a parallel, but Rome rose and fell on the quality of its leadership. Specifically, its generals. If they were smart, the territory of the empire increased. If they weren't, Rome got sacked. Yeah, the people got fat and happy, but that alone didn't cause Rome's repeated falls. And it won't destroy America, either.

So jump in that ol' SUV, punch it until you reach that Krispy Kreme 75 miles down the road, pick up some Hot Doughnuts Now! and drive back home. Stuff your face until all the greasy, sugary goodness has passed your lips and then settle back in your Craftmatic adjustable La-Z-Boy to catch the last of the hardcore pandering sent up by the local TV news. Pass out in a haze of lipids, smoldering carbohydrates and increasingly twisted pixels.

You're an American, by God, and it's about time you started acting like one.

Jon Worley had lots of fun on the water slides, which consume more water and electricity in a single day than is used in the city of Bombay in a month.