I didn't tell anyone about this, but throughout most of this Presidential campaign, I was wishing that neither of the major party candidates would win. I wasn't really praying about it per se, but every time I saw a neat little cosmological anomaly in the sky, I'd think in my head, "Boy, wouldn't it be nice if both of these guys lost?"

Someone was listening.

Almost a week after about a third of the nation went out and voted for one, the other or none of the above, no one is the winner. And every day it continues, both leading candidates lose even more. Both are acting like spoiled little boys who don't like what mom made for supper.

Bush has already started drawing names into cabinet chairs with his special box of crayons, proclaiming "My brother told me I won, what's wrong with you people?" And then, when questions are asked, his face starts to puff up like he's about ready to cry or throw a tantrum. He's already hired the Ryder trucks and started packing up his playroom.

In a country of almost 300 million people, a margin of 300 votes is rather small to proclaim victory with. Especially when all the votes haven't been counted yet. Forget that whole "well, history has shown us that blah, blah, blah," about absentee and early balloting, this election is a historical aberration. It's never been this close, so let's wait till we get it all counted boys, it'll be soon.

Won't it?

Gore seems to think we've got pretty much forever to see whether or not he's won. He could have this thing over tomorrow if he'd just call Bush back one more time and say, "I'm sorry, I don't want the country to go through this mess, you can have the job." But he can't do that. There's something in him that's snapped to "let's hear the entire will of the people" or something like that. The more legal wrangling Gore gets into in Florida, the longer this will go on, because Bush is already pushing to recount a few of the states that he lost.

This is just stupid. And the funny thing is, no one--except those crazy party regulars who haven't been to work since last Monday--really cares who wins anymore. We just want it over with. It's like that story about the fat three year old or Elian the daring Cuban B. Do we really want to keep turning on CNN and seeing the words "Presidential Election: Still To Close To Call?" I gave up on a resolution days ago.

So I say let's scrap this election. The whole thing. We'll have a new election in early January with completely new candidates. No Bush, no Gore, no Nader, no Buchanan and really, can't the Libertarians find someone other than Harry Browne? He's been running since the 40s, I think.

Give all of them about a month and a half to state their positions, spend whatever money they can scrape up on stupid TV ads, and we'll choose again. It's obvious that our current crop of candidates aren't Presidential at all.

And it doesn't matter who's on the bad side of 300 votes right now. If it was Bush who was losing, we'd be having the same arguments, just they'd be coming out of opposite mouths. There is no one in the right here and everyone is getting covered with idiot juice.

Okay, so maybe a new election is a little out there. How about this: Everyone who voted has their social security number punched into a computer. The computer randomly picks one of the numbers and that person picks the new President. The winner can pick anyone they want as long as the person picked accepts (and no picking dead people, of course).

It might be a little selective and the winner of the lottery might have to get into the witness protection program, but at least there would be a clear winner.

Are we going to have a President-elect by Thanksgiving? By Christmas? By New Years? By Inauguration Day?

One of these guys needs to reach down, scratch his balls and ask: Should this keep going on? Because this thing could be over tomorrow if either one realized that the really easy way to resolve this is to step away from it all and just give it up.

No matter who wins, their nickname will be the Boo Hoo President.

Matt Worley is really tired of watching two assholes posing as grown men while they suck their thumbs.