Last week I caught a bit of a debate between presidential candidates Al Gore and Bill Bradley. It was being moderated by a few people who didn't seem to know how to keep control. Apparently the format was one candidate would ask the other a question, the question would be answered and then an appropriate number of retorts would ensue. How many retorts was not very clear, as many of the questions corroded to the point where the following exchange is as much of an accurate account as anyone would want:

"Every time I try to bring up this issue, you go negative."

"Well, I don't know about everyone else, but that statement sounded very negative to me."

"Negative? You're negative, negative man."

"I'm trying to keep the high ground here, but you keep pulling me down into the negative."

"Negative, negative, negative."

"I don't see anything positive about what you just said."

"You're so negative, and you don't even see it."

"I don't think this country wants to hear negative statements from their presidential candidates, but you insist on being very negative."

"I'm sorry, but that's the most negative thing you've said all night."

And so on.

I can't even remember what issues they were talking about, just that everything, no matter what context, ended up a semantic argument about what constitutes negative campaigning. And who was being more negative than who. There was no high ground, just a bloody middle circle of bile and spit. These people are trying to get elected to our top public servant job.

The thing is, there is no way to have a debate and not have combatants going negative. Because the whole point in a debate is this: I'm standing for this and this is positive. The other guy must say: I'm sorry, but you're being negative and I'm the one who's positive. This is the nature of debate: to contradict what the other person is saying. And this is the nature of political campaigning. I'm right, he's wrong, let's throw some confetti and cast our votes.

I used to think that negative campaigning was ugly and mean. And, actually, I still believe that. But I also don't see a way around it. The easy way to get your point across is to diametrically oppose your opponent. That's the whole point of running against someone else. If everyone was the same (and, even though most of these candidates are essentially the same, they must differentiate themselves from the others somehow), there wouldn't be a choice. And we've got to have choice. This is America, dammit!

Dammit. That's what always happens. Always going negative.

The only way to win is to dip your hate in a bit of sugar and throw it at the competition. You've got to go in for the kill. And the nature of going in for the kill is to dip into that deep, dark, sinister side of yourself and explode.

Look at how Obi Wan Kenobi beat Darth Maul. Obi Wan was trying to be serene and Zen about everything, and Darth Maul went and killed his mentor. The only way Obi Wan was gonna summon up enough emotion to overcome his dangerous opponent was to dip into that little Dark Side reserve and go nuts. Obi Wan cut Darth Maul in half and the rest is history. Good guys don't cut their opponents in half, but winners do.

Both Gore and Bradley want to be winners, so they go negative. It's the only way. And, deep down, we want to see them slugging mud at each other. We want to find out all that gross crap the National Enquirer digs up. We want to know who's gay, who's beating their wives, who is anorexic. Because then we feel better about all the stupid things we all do.

And since we no longer believe that the President is better than we are--20 years ago the word empathy would not have been used in context with any President or public figure--we want them knocked down to our level.

A level playing field with catapults full of sludge.

"I respect you and all," my opponent once said, as I was running for "mayor" in fifth grade. "But what you just said is the most negative thing I've ever heard in my life."

"You're such a hypocrite," I retorted. "You negative son of a bitch."

Matt Worley isn't so much negative as he is just plain mean.